But it's been called the toughest best job of your life parenting. What have parenting styles changed. Are some parents today just trying to be friends to their actions. Are too many kids being over indulge misguided and in some cases ignored. What kind of character you know if you see parents doing a poor job you stay out of it or do you feel you can suggest a better way. We are talking parenting today with parents. Actually -- logic she and her husband have four children and she decided to be a stay at home and take care. Trish Kaufman is a mother of two. -- Revere mother of two with one on the way she also has a Ph.D. in psychology. Also joining us is doctor Lauren Jew thing go home. A child psychologist. And a member of the -- clinical faculty at the Alicia Health Science Center school of Alan -- And Jenny Evans the assistant director of the parenting center Children's Hospital this is the biggest crowd of -- and so -- here. And I hit him much to learn. But we're gonna talk very close to that -- okay. Keep where do we began and I I just think that we have to get. This out on the table even though I don't think it should be that discussion for a whole hour. But these sixteen year old kid in Texas who was driving drunk and killed four people and essentially got off with a slap on the wrist. His psychiatrist said he shouldn't go to jail because he was a victim of affluence. He we now know he often lived alone in a very palatial home with every known amenity and very very little guidance. It is an extreme case and I think that's important to mention but it's an illustration. Of really no accountability. By him and and his parents. One question I would like to talk about this should parents his parents but other parents be held accountable. On now we know that even though he's going to spend little time in rehab paid for by his parents there are many lawsuits -- they're gonna go into civil court and he just really devastated the lives of many. So again we don't -- broad brush but we. We wanna say there are phenomenal parents out there. And we see that evidence everyday and we see the great kids because of it. But now we are seeing or at least were may be talking more about. Some parenting -- isn't working. And perhaps we all are gonna suffer from so I would like just two to start out with fuel about your thoughts on what parenting should be. We'll start with her parents. Your role as a parent. My generals apparently thinking Angela for having us he would know I'm loved this and this is fun. It's something -- never done before but and my role as a parent is. Primarily and got it. I am ahead of them. To guide them. To instruct them to show them. Here's town. To get on in the what you do what you don't do. And it's not all negative it's. Very much fun but on the -- point that has denied that the captain of the ship we honor. Well I guess that I had the best you know that's right and right now. Well Oscar went to address I think schools have an impact and that's as well that week. As a parent. The -- you're dealing with schools that are concerned about being sued. Or are losing their endowments and they aren't enforcing. What it did they say in handbook would not be tolerated. Because of those fears. It is a an issue for apparent that -- But I believe it's apparent you the most important thing to do is when they're young to set the limits. To let them know. What you respect and behavior she would not respect and to make good choices so that when they get older. That they are able to make the choices themselves because after a certain point. You have to respect that you brazen with the values and morals. That you have been party to them all those years. And trust them to make good decisions and be open to listen to them when they come to you. Without feeling judge says that the communications stays open. I would essentially concur with everything that's been -- so far. And the piece that I would maybe add to that is just that it's OK to -- no as a parent I think so often now you see parents that do indulge their children and everything is about -- And you know it just getting them what they want and what they say they needing kids wants and needs change so quickly that it's okay to say. No from the time that they're very young I mean if you look toddlers and -- and turning and so often see parents will get into that because it's easier for them. Whereas I think it's easier to set those boundaries when they're young and then continue that time with those expectations and and instilling in your children that they need to respect others and their things and that they have responsibility in the world to leave everything a little bit. That money found that emotions are actual physical thing. You know there's a commercial -- I don't even know what product exports probably irrelevant but it's. A little girl sitting on the couch watching television and her mother runs over to her can we go shopping now can we go shopping now. And the Louisville just sits there and like I'm busy. And can we go shopping now -- this is the mother. And it is just -- almost offended by the it's funny but it's offensive because it's. The chiles and charge it's actually true. And it is savage has a let's talk to our parenting authorities not to you all aren't because you're eleven and every day but. What is going on. And it's not only that the children aren't hard that we passed on. Our parenting for any. To use social issues to whether it's the media or appear gripped much younger then we need to do a lot of things that the parents just said do have a name. In our field and in parent education and and in folks who do psychological work with children and it's over indulgent. So for instance that even -- stories that term affluence which as you said is a very exaggerated case of a problem that is. A lot for honor in our community right now and we college over indulgent. So a lot of apparent that we talked to -- -- -- that spoiling that's too much stuff that's buying much about things that they don't need or the newest thing too fast and that is one way to over and out. But there are other ways to. One is to have such a soft structure that again that you turn over the authority to other things in the child's world. And that's very simply that's not setting limits but it's also not. Standing for something sharing your family values your your ethics or morals and and things like that and the other way which is becoming more and more common and and made their a lot of -- this conversation. Is to do we call over nurturing. -- you can't. Over love you can't show your child too much -- necessarily too much attention. But if you're over nurturing you're doing things for your child that they could and should be learning to do for themselves. So that kind of boils down to issue of privilege and responsibility going hand and he says we turn over more and more privileged to children. We turn over more and more responsibility. And I'll tell you I'm also a pair of teenagers and I'll tell you that one way I know when I'm doing it right and none of us is -- doing it right back. What I know when I'm doing right is when they appreciate the responsibility. When their more excited about the responsibility. And they are. About the privilege. I'm looking at doctor -- thing going you're shaking your head that is it that we are letting. And she just says she's the captain of the ship she and her husband of the captains of the ship are we letting kids. Be the captain of the ship. I think so absolutely we often see and I am also parent of two very young little boys and so I'm experiencing this real time as well as these ladies are. On that we often feel the social pressures of being a parent out in public that when we need to be able to. Reprimand or children and it's okay reprimand them that's okay to be able to tell them that we have distinct lines are distinct boundaries that they that they. That it's okay to get get so far but not to crops and that's how we're teaching then uses rules and it limits in a lot of times -- more on public are among our. Our friend group our peer groups are families. We feel that additional pressure to. To be the perfect parents senate to put on that player that act and make everything looks so good that we don't wanna be embarrassed we don't wanna draw that extra attention ourselves as being. That bad parent of the moment the bad children. So I think a lot of times parents. Like let that and and tinian and then others have said as. They kind of back off and they give their authority up and -- standing their ground and saying you know what it is my turn. To teach my child had to be a good citizen and their community to be good citizen and what ever environment there and to teach them how to be responsible individuals so that they'll be responsible adults. And that's that's our job and life is to create good citizens of our society. Yes I mean that's -- it's it's okay to be embarrassed parents. Event and -- -- there is another. I -- with children like elements need to and I really believe they. -- in Geneva this. Family is the most important value I instill in children and -- Things and we -- it's. Give. Give them limits thing you know what they're supposed to be doing and when they can't Alter -- and the family is the most important thing. They're gonna seek Europe rubles more than their peers approval. When they're making decisions that can be very. Threatening to. Stay with this we are talking about parenting with parents right after this we are talking about parenting -- -- -- -- five women who are parents and and they've -- had probably different experiences that were talking about the fact of being over indulged is an issue today and it needs to be addressed. Individually and collectively. But I think something else Fisher said -- -- true as an entitlement. And I think you hate to say that I'm gonna say when I grew up it wasn't that way. And now it is I'm not that many generations away so what happened. -- -- a lot of offensive studied stand him endeavor for adapting nicely -- And time and they really have to come up with some answers to that question that over indulgence is indeed a growing problem it is not just our imaginations. So a couple of things one is. That we now the adults now are sort of living in this culture of mistrust we don't necessarily support in band with authority like Trish was saying that whether it's with teachers at schools. Or or even in social or political leadership. So it so that's one problem we haven't really taught our kids that that there is an authority on time. I think and it's not a myth is that we have less time. That we are working longer as people we spend less time as families and that is. Dare I say it a mistake we need to make more time. Because there's a problem comes from that and that is that if we do work so much and spend much time with our children we don't want that time to be unpleasant so we tend to avoid the conflicts which can lead to her again to -- over indulgence. Another another thing that comes out of it is that retired. Google pause there and and -- It is a little bit fuzzier but parents don't kind of talking about it on the break. Parents tend to use their children a little bit more for. A feel good thing almost like a hobby so and we do want to present our children is. We're so proud of them and and their accomplishments. And how computer pretty there are. So again it's not necessarily how much we spot them but -- that -- other kind of over indulgence where there's so much focus. In in inappropriate or external. Accomplishments that were not spending as much time on the last. Glorious internal. Right accomplishments. What about the entitlement issue. Kids saying. Everybody else says and I should too. I think we need to keep in mind that we are raising. People to be adults. And the kind of -- down that you. Like to spend time when wounded like yourself to be that's what angle custody. They are children but they passed so quickly. -- into adulthood and how will they be as adults think needs to be kind of always in the forefront. Our mind. Yeah if you see your child doing something very selfish. How do you handle it if you don't want your kid to be selfish. I think that is the best opportunity for a teachable moment I think that's where you can stop you know cause everything right there. And turn the question backed the -- how would that make you feel how would that make -- feel how would that make your brother feel. And you ask everybody around you really used as a teachable moment to be able to it regardless that there are one or if there are 161718. Years old he can. He can turn it back to. Then it kind of on being in perspective and trying to decide well gosh how would that make me feel that how somebody how I would want somebody that I loved street near somebody that I -- to treat me. Or somebody that I don't know how to treat me. And so it's it's taking taking that time just causing everything going OK this is my opportunity to make an impact on my child. They can say. -- -- your children even very young children and what else could happen I was just in our in our -- player in this morning and there were three. It's an inappropriate statement that the three cheats and not enough Indians and that's at pocono and apparently but anyway. And it's a -- three of them are our. Riding bikes and taking things in every few minutes there's this high pitched screen. But the parents humor with them were able to sort of broad things in and say how else could this happen. And they've had what -- talking about they've had that happen often enough that they can come up west. Another way for this to happen so that the three of them are happy. And I know all of the parents -- on -- break we're saying that there earlier you start the easier than a citizen and that is true. When the time. The entitlement. And issue. You know when I was raising my kids I would always say there's always going to be someone has more has -- Just being getting solved it. You know. It is a societal problem. Pressure from then it goes on not only with schools and their fears that go into a restaurant and it's. Refine lovely restaurant they knew -- treated differently that children see that. Or if you go to a store. And the people with more money they get a better price break too because they know be repeated he is so oh. We're summer step and that and so immersed in things. And the bigger the better homes and her -- -- -- It's it's a group -- so escaped from the value system like my parents -- What I fear the most with this entitlement issue is I feel like we're raising a generation of children and potentially parity have you know sort of with between -- teenagers right now. That this senses. I should just get a trophy for showing up minutes sporting event or I should get NA because I actually went to class. And not actually instilling in our children that they need to work towards anything. And it's okay if there's failure associated with that because what happens when you going your first job interviewing you don't get to adopt. Mean issue center earlier. You're raising adult I mean that's the goal is long term or children will turn into adults. And what happens when they don't have those coping mechanisms to deal with that anymore because we've taught them. Nothing about that responsibility. Or how to work harder you know how to develop those specific skills and they're just handed so much in these days. And so that answer is you know what we're gonna go to that answer right after we go too well Dave Cullen in the newsroom. Will we -- five incredible parents here and I've loved everything he says I'm hanging on your every word. It is tough to beat hands and I think that's the message but it's one you should want to loan. Doing and if somebody just said it is you know being the easy parent can be easier and being the tough -- -- it's the in between that you want that balance. Let's talk a little bit about teaching kids coping mechanisms. Coping skills for win they don't win or they. Don't pass something. I think on there's been the coping. -- strategies that kids. Or that we as adults would would help teach our children. Which changed. According to their developmental levels of some of the things that we're gonna teach young kids are gonna look different than the things that we teach older kids. And a lot of the times is coping skills and strategies are taught by our own model. So if we Europe parent that falls apart and is overly dramatic every time we don't get our way. We should expect our children to behave as we behave because we are their model they're looking to us to be their teacher and their guide. And so we need to remember that first of formats that are reactions. Turn into there their daily -- that. So we need to make sure that we respond appropriately. On things for young children you know teaching them. If they're just falling apart and crying you know for us as adults a lot of our coping strategies initially should be ignoring some of that behavior. Because if we reinforced that by paying attention then that will that's reinforcing there there are -- in their fallen apart we wanna ignore that. But while there calming down you know that's when you can start beginning to softly talk today and kind of take -- -- -- To start thinking about something different we can help divert their attention to other things. An aunt and so forth. So it just it it really depends that I think. First informants depending on what age of what the age of your child is to remember to to set an appropriate model for your your child in terms of how you handle. Situations. And sending you were saying earlier about wanting you and your husband or the the ship -- you want to project what kind of an adult to this kind of who are we helping to create an -- And so when you see. One -- you know fail at something. It and right then as a little one to me it would be very important. The what you're saying age appropriate. Because Monday they're gonna be twenty and in college and not getting. -- the scholarship or that the playing on the team or the aid they thought they were gonna get it and they bottom out. I think it's always important to them. To let your children know that. You're available to -- And you know they can come to you with. I failed and that I'm not as good as I -- all of those things and then the encouragement peace. From this can really taken them. Because we all are gonna fail at something -- but. We and we're encouraged that swing and we land so the encouragement -- for it. Little ones all the way up through I guess adult children who yeah you always want. Somebody to be proud of -- your parent to be pattern you set the courage and -- to -- huge. Talk to me about could you get older girls I think in -- teen girls. The pressure pressure. Among teenagers to have everything all the electronics all of the things like that and how do you work with. Well I have to say I am very proud of one of my daughters will both my daughters that one of my daughters went very. Affluent school and -- difference. But she just said you know mom I just. It's every once -- -- similar. And I really want diversity and one to meet people who have less like your more than -- -- From different cultures and I don't know how that was instilled in her that desire. Was very proud of her for making that choice. I think when we were talking about cocaine -- so I think. -- when your children fail if you're short to tell them. I'm so proud to be for trying what do we do to facilitate. Making it better than next time. As opposed to not. A wealth and don't worry about what to do something stupid to keep them motivated. To achieve what their desiring to do regardless of the failure. I weren't a lesson from my kids about that about dealing that has helped me become a better parent educator. About dealing with the pressures. What a lot of their friends. Because -- and we always say at the parenting center that the most powerful tool you're gonna have is your relationship with your child and that we won't always be the same it you know it changes just. Developmentally like everything else does. And that being the authority who's also respectful and a good listener and them that parents that are in mr. I've talked a lot about listening listening listening. And then you remain a resource and -- I was glad that we had that because when they got to be teenagers and they would come to me and saying. Mom every one -- has this or every one is going there and my my old line was always mean if you lined up the entire 6%. -- health. But we finally got to a point in high school where a lot of times they were pretty close did tell you. So we had to really talk about together. The pros and cons or if there was some sort of an electronic or even a party. That was outside. You know limits that I had set but what could we -- cap and so we've really got to focusing on. On how they could have something similar or how they can be a part of something may not be able for instance to stay at the party all night or. And whatever so we we were able to deal with the pressures together instead of always them asking me saying now. Because they're really tried to hear the map and I'm not sure I would have. Been able to express that as well had -- not gone through let them stay with this we're gonna continue our talk about parenting right after this. We'll we're talking about parenting and we have a color -- from the West Bank -- So level. Talked to -- and -- that are ready and do what you don't want this subject. Is -- it back tomorrow -- And I don't wanna take that much. You give background are Greek art. Not 21 year old. Thirteen year old and my thirteen year old -- diagnosed that it would 88. Obviously you know what -- -- about our needs not only the only. The fact that she had 88. But right now. But the hormone changes everything else they see. You. I can only tell you that -- inside the struggled but not normally. And you know show content out there doing a lot of that -- done the job like just say no. Why do some things that I hear. That I deal with. Just -- that. Should it should -- many things I don't have an out. Are you looking for some sort of guidance on how to handle it. Yes because that there you know why. She's been right now -- actually get kidnapped at least we got beat back on that at the request that. -- we don't know and it. You can culpable for the -- ankle. When your only child so much in -- with so much straight in and that anger and sadness and it's just so much that he. Doing any doubt. They hold on an annual want to offer that. -- it I guess my biggest advice to you is that you're obviously a very concerned parent and you're doing a phenomenal job with. Being able to communicate with my daughter which I think is so important. And I think it is a very difficult time for any teenage girl and then to have you know and he sort of -- Issues on top of that makes it even that much more challenging as a family so. Kudos CEO it sounds like you're doing a great job and I can totally feel your frustration. Coming through with your call. And is there anything specific it's really going on your looking for her. You know some specific advice on -- I would think that you're therapist would be able to help you. But is there anything in addition that you're really looking force and support with today. You just bet it won't ignored. Here. And -- acting out which is -- -- up the -- Point. Don't get caught in open actually. And -- are we -- that you know whether there. Are a lot. What I object. And it. It's the packing up to -- at. That time. Don't you. Some good. -- that someone about it being that. You know that. It's. Right. On. Site and you'll. It's. Absolutely -- this is actually fifteen it's interesting UConn does this is actually might feel this is I work with his students and two elderly ADHD. And in my biggest advice would be about whenever those parameters are that chicken snack whenever those expectations are that you having your counseled. Be consistently. So I make sure that whatever it is that you're doing if you're gonna take away the -- pattern the -- owners whenever you know that social media and our Internet access. Whatever is another consequence happened that behavior. Just make sure that that consequence is adequate. Excuse me is adequately addressed in the behavior so in other words what I mean I got -- don't local paper. Wind well you know she does something it's really small in the grand scheme of things. Don't think consequence because you happen to be you know frustrated that -- or whatever it is. Where you tolerated it enough -- -- -- asked it in now you take away every. I -- -- that that consistency is if you say you're going to do follow and make sure that you due to. So that your daughter has expectations it's actually it. It's it's really critical especially with and children had ADHD that they know what to expect in situations. And that they can. And anticipate wineries around so in other words if you have. Rules and limitations -- expectations in house. At that consistency that goes along with every time this happens -- follow. It at really important rather than sort of Willy Nilly who now is and maybe this time I'll get away with it next time I might not play. You know what it's worth pushing the envelope to figure out will it happen time and I'll deal with a consequence because I really want to get whatever that bothered me the -- All of that fits in the arms and it I think he's also looking for hope. That after going through puberty centers under the -- And even given her circumstance. That she will get better. Absolutely and it's also interesting that you say that bad because there is probably another side to a lot of this behavior you wanna make sure when you get to the other side. That you still have that relationship we are talking about earlier so why you go through that the consequences of the choices about that remember to stay close. Especially when things are going well that may feel like that's rare. We have taken the break we'll be right back. Well I hate that we lost this entire hour we didn't lose that we gained a lot. I want to thank each and every one of you has been phenomenal I've learned a lot we are now totally committed to doing parenting very regularly on the show. If we -- we need lots of help and thank god for the parents' consent. Thank you so much now let's go to -- Cullen in the news.