WWL>Topics>>3-31-14 2:10pm Angela: on parenting, part 1

3-31-14 2:10pm Angela: on parenting, part 1

Mar 31, 2014|

Angela talks parenting with Jenni Evans, Barbara LeBlanc, and Gina Lorio of Children's Hospital, social worker Christian Harris, and Dawn Barrios, mother of two young adults.

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Automatically Generated Transcript (may not be 100% accurate)

Well we're going on from unemployment and again I wanna thank the incredible men and women who were on that program. That the two terrific guys from the employment a personal consulting. 25 years of experience helping people get work in and they're seeing that the changes the world talking about and the two incredible men who are looking for work. And so forth right and and talented and somebody needs to hire them. And wonderful and O'Hanlon from UN -- what a -- she he has. We are however shifting gears -- going to be talking for the next two hours. About parenting our first hour is going to be about parenting teenagers. And there are going to be talking about. Those growing number of families were young adults are still remaining in the family not moving out or moving back in. So how were handling net. If you think -- were terrible rapture happened at the teen years yet. Some parents find that dealing with teens much more difficult than dealing with two murals. Hormones stress in the natural process of separation from parents come into play. So how do you parent teen -- shot limits how do you punish how do you inspire. An in this world of social media how do you live with that and more importantly how do you know when too much is too much. So for the next hour we're gonna talk about raising teenagers. And as I said we're gonna spend the following our talking about parenting young adults. Those in their twenties even early thirties who are still living at home and they are more and more of them. And we have such an incredible group of people here of experts but remember if you are apparent. You're an expert to. And we wanna hear from you 26018. Summit what problems you're having what victories have you had that you want to share. But joining us now in studio is Barbara LeBlanc who was the director of the parenting center at children's hospital and a mother of young adults. Joni Evans the assistant director of the parenting center a single mom with two girls she -- co parenting with her ex husband. -- -- you know mother of a fifteen year old and a seventeen year old. Who is up with public affairs at children's hospital and runs the miracle week. And not to be forgotten we had to get some guys here he -- Christian parents of social worker in private practice. Who works with teens college students and young adults. And again how lucky in my -- you'll hear them talking about what you live every day both personally and professionally. But I think a lot of people need help itself I'm very appreciative. Right off the bat let's talk about what are the biggest struggles you see parents. I see -- a majority of Americans think that strict parenting it produces the best outcomes with kids. Outcomes needing to raise his kids to be responsible and self sufficient and actually it produces a lot wanna take your problems when kids get to be teenagers. Because after -- if you never get teachers say or nobody ever listens to you about -- only way you can influential life is rebellion. So why we're here to promote Tibet. Teenagers need limits they need parents close five. But they also need compassion with there -- limits. They need somebody is gonna -- and there's a good bit of research that supports that this is the best approach. To help your kids launched an -- to the world and help them be independent when -- to go off and go to college or wherever it is ago when they graduate from high school. And that is the goal of parenting is to teach. And today and released. -- McCain -- -- -- Yes. It be nice to there was a moment if you knew OK this is the age when I release on a parent right up to this moment and then there they go out. I'll tell you it's been very interesting to live at home with teenagers and to spend a lot of my professional life talking about toddlers. And I tell the parents of toddlers this is like a first adolescence there. They're pulling on that at least to see how much independence they can get. And they really wanna do things for themselves they really need encouragement but they also need to feel the resistance at the other end of the least because. Setting limits is important but also knowing that they're supported. And I during -- remind myself that about my teenagers that they want to do things on their own expressed their independence and and do whatever and I said not to do. They wanna know that -- on the other and saying this is this is the limit this is right step then. Right I think that's. Great statement asset on the you know a lot of people like I wanna be their friend I wanna be in no Alan hang out with some well I think. In a way he can be different but they need to -- that you are set limits and when he's at limits. On yet you know you mean actions and I think that he had that they tying test UNH Ryan. Push -- buttons but you need to -- and then that you are still in control but we still wanna will work things out and -- not gonna stick. 21 decision. You know it's -- you bring up -- thing about friendship because -- and handing our producer has a fabulous son and she didn't. Just a remarkable job but she kept saying during the last few days into it's kind of like common sense a lot about common sense. But her delightful now grown -- -- I told him. We're not going to be friends to later. I'm your -- I'm a mother in it but this will be -- and they are so it worked right. Yeah and it's actually a lot of of what we believe but I talk about when I'm working with parents -- sound. Trust your instincts it's it's it's me I like to phrase it in state -- -- parental instinct over. Over just a knowledge right you're not gonna know everything but. You have impulses that that you once you had a baby. They started kicking in insofar as you know. Is the yards safe when when the toddler goes out to play Houston actually check it well sometimes when parents become parents of teenagers they. Sometimes back away from his instincts for for various reasons so we try to do is try to identify some of them. The forces within our culture that are. Asking they're putting pressure on parents to back away from those instincts to. Monitor the kids or so let -- let some things go that maybe aren't worth the style that makes sense. Yes it makes a lot of sense. Are you finding an -- need to do sort of this global look at this. That parents are being softer on kids today than maybe when we were growing up. They are. They are and there are a lot of reasons for that. 41 thing they they are backing away there's a lot of influence on our culture there's a lot of push back from kids. There's a lot of cost to. Not being successful so I think when Christian and I talked -- before coming here you mentioned success at any cost and parents wanting to keep their kids in a bubble. To. So that they don't experienced disappointment it's difficult for them to see their kids not to get. The things that they want there's very little reason for youthful indiscretions anymore offs. And that. Does influence that parents and their approach that they want to protect their kids say them because they're fearful. Of what the cost of failure of a -- FBI at making a big mistake might be much. Greater than it was in Pastor Wright should give me some more examples of the VW these youthful discretion I think also and small. Mistakes become really big mistakes and can you imagine when you were thirteen if you had the ability to take a picture of yourself in any thing or anywhere and put it on the Internet how much troubling you -- man I mean for anyone in the room. That's a lot of power. And -- and a lot of ways to to go wrong suggest that constant. Access to all of your friends and all of their friends and all of their friend. It's really easy person that person small and discretion to become. Mangers trending. Trending well trending a couple. And a lot of times when we talk about you know parents -- so concerned about peer pressure house going up there's a feeling peer pressure how we fight peer pressure what I see a lot its parent pressure. Parents putting pressure on other parents and to follow in the eighties and cultural norms that aren't necessarily the best in molding character for our children. -- Well let's say. Turkeys and how often I -- delighted teenage parents of teenagers and there are parents countries. Christian. None of his friends have curfews on and so there's a low and and so when they actually talked to your friends. Parents your your your kids' friends parents about and and they'll say. Well they say well you know kids will be kids and the other seventeen this guy you know it's legal for them stay out later let -- glimpse later you know on win. The value of the the ice as it goes against the value system of them that particular -- -- a getting a lot of pressure on. Also on with athletics and academics. Everybody is comparing grades but they don't really compare how they treat each other on they used some pretty harsh language is going to be pretty equal to each other. Sometimes that winning at all costs. Is is promoted you know. So one of the things that that we that level I'll go through -- with my -- classes is I'll say OK some ways to. Ensure that your kid. ConAgra is up with -- and you know and and with them a value system that's not gonna work out later in life form. -- sports agent. Be their lawyer like you were saying getting kids out of the natural consequences of bad decisions. And on. Either be there on their agent either lawyer either banker. On either fairy god parent you know come in and save the day when and if you really need some -- decisions so on and a lot of parents are pushing for you can't let your kids at any kind of mistake on their record is an arrest their life -- It's going to be ruined a lot of pressure and when I see kids in college who have lived with that pressure. As soon as there's no when they're coming to say that day for the -- a lot of internal implosion like a lot of meltdown and now obviously some little kids. I want everybody stay with this we're talking parenting with a lot of time to talk about it we wanna hear from you 2601870. We'll be right back. So do you think of yourself as a good parent you have concerns -- apparent. What are your struggles. Give us a call at 2601870. We're talking about parenting teenagers. Vs toddlers. Teenagers and we -- A roomful of exports and McCain are gullible on Jenny Evans but in the parenting center and -- Mario and Christian Harris. It is very interesting is I parent casts a little different than parent and these teenagers but once he appears to. Of the demands of -- during adolescence and yet I know of that. How -- you might parent just thirteen to fifteen year old might not be as you do a sixteen to eighteen. So that to me if if I were -- parent I would no wonder why make that transition it just seems like there's a lot. There is alive and you know talking to your kids and building that foundation for relationship and that's one of the most important parts is having a relationship sustaining the relationship being able to listen -- More than you talked. Being able not to overreact because sometimes they'll test chat with story you know Johnny. Stayed out and it was over its own says house in Naples at a bottle of vodka and if you don't so I got to believe that then. I'm a -- parents right now. If you can buy time and -- -- and how did that turn out in what did you think about that. You might get to what they're really want to ask you which is something about themselves or to feel out what your views or values are. Are you don't listen to them about how they're managing this peer pressure and exposure and exposure to drugs and alcohol. -- That was my hardest lesson as the mother of the teens and my kids are in their late twenty's now and was biding my time and and weighty and not talk. Another interesting thing. Bad that transition I event. I'm not very hard time biding my time still but. In the reading you'll see. And that studies have shown at the height of the conflict kind of you kind of hit it right on the head is about fourteen or fifteen that that's when. And when children feel the highest level of conflict or stress in the relationship with their parents. Parents don't always perceive it that way is they perceive. The seventeen or eighteen year old he's acting more independent as being more in conflict with them but it's actually not younger age -- it's important. To step back a little -- -- and focused on the times that your enjoying together instead of always looking for that teachable moment -- the opportunity to say something. Focus on those family -- make them something that if nobody wants to eat. Salad and broccoli for. Every dinner then ordered pizza a little more often you don't do things that bring the family together. During that really challenging time as just another tiny piece of that that I think is so interesting. Is that I'm studies show that there's actually more stress and conflict in the relationship at age eleven and there is a team. Yes -- really -- Trying to focus on some of the more relaxing times are times when you agree. Will make those years 15161718. Go a lot more smoothly. And then hopefully the person who's talking to you at 181920. Is saying -- that things that you wanted them to take away from from that relationship. It -- At a certain -- Kids are just looking more at their friends man and not so much of their parents so it's trying to keep them involved in. A family. Exactly -- you got in those relationships what's good about coming home and being with family you know you can think about that. With them than than you still have a shot right. If if a kid ends. Always been good communication. You know 111215. Whatever is -- of the possibility at some time now to shut you out. It's usually right around writer of 141516. I think there is another and very interesting studying about lying if I can get this exactly right. Our closer right. And so parents of course think that their children lie to them less than their teenagers actually -- to them. And but the reason for lying and had more to do win. Avoiding. In avoiding harming the parent relationship. Than it did about getting away with something. So the finding of the study was that teenagers around that that transitional time 1415. Two. Thought that they could influence the rebels or. -- even influence the rule about a particular event. And are more likely to use enter a conflict to tell the truth and enter conflict with the parent that they think they have amendment says you're jets. You know very permissive and not paying particular attention -- it's very easy you lie to you because why not and if you're really strict and never able to listener -- and and then it makes more sense to lie to you or you never get to do anything you want. So it's those parents who are willing to listen and say this just this is the rule and this is the value. And I don't see this happening and then actually listen to your child and their reasoning and be able to say okay. It's not going to be attacked two -- how about -- -- -- we we loosen up on the rules that crazy issues or whatever it. So yes this is a very much of the people bring their their their kids into my office. For easy because the kids getting involved -- kind to make -- behavior that's scaring. Them and whether it's drugs and alcohol the criminal behavior maybe. You know promiscuous sexual behaviors like that. And they feel -- -- control so that's what they're gonna turn to the professional communities so. What and what I'd like to you but usually by that point there's been such a battle. In suing. That a lot of that. Tenderness as has. The and so squeezed out of the household out of the relationship as a one of the things that. That I like to do is kind of a dual approach one obviously the kid needs to be protected in their needs to be structure and has. But also there needs you need to separate bonding time and nurturing time on and that you should probably not cross. So there's time for. The discipline right but there's also that time and it's got to be a sacred time with just open communication so. And and you know -- likely you -- saying about the test you are testing the parent like what's your reaction gonna be momma would your reaction be dead. When they come home and say you know I want to be -- you artist when I grow up in our. One you know when one open a marijuana farm Colorado. And that's more more popular India and the minds of the -- that there. In tune with them -- -- -- that -- Pakistan again that's right and I overbuilt market so so incentive you know the the the freak out in time to say you know we don't drugs in this house and their tattoos on your body and Ellis. Instead say why. You know tell me about where it's this idea what's and then with the kids saying in -- kids try on personalities and interests. Com. Maybe like eight triumph for he she -- -- on -- on and off an Indian win in 24 hours you can have a kid wanted to go totaled this rat and then the next day. He needs somebody else or somebody else -- something else on the on the Internet and says now wanna do this right. You know on but we react. With the shut down with every little idea that they have been there with their with they're getting is we're saying we don't like the idea. But what they're getting it Unix and this is not conditional you know love market acceptance Sydney's that. On McKinney and tell you anymore what I -- do. Right and it's not a -- exactly everyone don't shut down we're gonna go to news and we're gonna come back American continue. Talking about change to something you just and we need to talk about the Internet and teams right after this. Barbara LeBlanc is the director of the parenting center at Children's Hospital Jenny -- Lindsey assistant director of the parenting summer. -- -- mother of a fifteen year old and a seventeen year old public affairs at Children's Hospital. And Christian -- the social worker in private practice who works with teens and college students young adults. And so you all have year. Fingers on everything that's happening in an as we talked about it is different than it was in years past raising kids different influences. One of the big east is the Internet and I'm just curious what you'll think. I hate to say the rule should be or what the parameters should be about usage. This is a tough went for parents is generally the kids are more savvy added and skilled. And parents are may be it may be the upcoming generation of parents are going to be better then then the current lines but. They when they leave your house. To go off to college to become adults they need some skills and had to -- had to news use Internet. -- you don't teach -- that guy. -- restricting totally access. But I'm monitoring and by talking about rules and this is a good thing to have it written contract for I think I think the big things. You put in writing new negotiate you go back and forth driving. Internet to me articulate the really big ones and accesses a privilege it's it's not -- it is a privilege and you have this in writing and they break the rules. Then then how do you -- Well that there's. You know Alex as I like to phrase they have parents phrase things to their kids as it isn't. Natural terms right natural consequences. So let's say. Your kid curses you. Well you can simply say we you know where you get this language where who you talk into it this way or where it's just. And then he's at what we need to restrict -- maybe this text this informal texting -- using that language maybe can pull that. Until -- until you can communicate you know more appropriately the Internet same thing or it's just like a card view. Go out and you break curfew or you go where you're not supposed to be that you're gonna restrict the car for weekend. So the Internet like -- that is the same thing if if a kid is doing inappropriate. Things on the Internet then you can restrict restrict his access to her or her access to it on. There's. It's a wonderful thing about about technology is that with every new technology that our kids are exposed to and have mastered. My mind blowing really quickly. All there's another technology for parents out there. So there's an evolution right so as soon as one technology comes out for the kids that's marketed to the kids -- another technology that's being marketed to the parents. To supervise. What the kids are doing and just like using the car the longer the kid has proved that at -- that he is or she is. Can use that appropriately can be reliable. And responsible with the car the more freedoms that you get so. Starting early as you introducing kids technology or allow -- kid to. Take on more responsive or have more liberties with the technology that's available. You monitor that but as they proved. -- as their record proves that they are responsible end and Obama and accountable. Then you can start to loosen up -- them again a little bit. More more and then. And then if something happens where they. You break your trust or or act inappropriately without it you just pull rated in -- All right we're gonna rain it's a little while and then. Once you -- shown that you can do. Duke at use this technology responsibly we'll start getting your liberties back so there's always it's always that a give and take right. I'm gonna -- on the follow your lead and that's like parents telecast and follow -- you're gonna tell me how restrictive to. While that's a great that is that great statement. Thanks but but but with the with the texting friends know my mom to go back to something that you sent it to get Kirsten because I do here frankly. More young people Smart mounting parents the Allegra. And I know it it's a different time but it's wrong. And so in in in this really indicative of other things exactly what you're saying a word that -- for a welcome for a. Not just that that he have to give respect to get respect and telling parents tell me that they don't like the way their kids are talking to them. Today are allowing this to happen and the need you don't have doing -- each if with your child that they're being disrespectful. But on the other hand you'd need to be very aware of how you're talking to people. Because we often treat our family members in ways we would never treat our friends -- the outside world. So it to listen to yourself aren't you being disrespectful sometimes what comes out of a -- -- may not sound disrespectful by giving orders. But you heard it coming out of it chops now it does. You know getting this get it now what's wrong why you still watch television appear to say that to a child might think OK just trying to get trial. But we've cut here are cutting back from -- try out to it well. It sounds very disrespectful set to be aware of what your modeling. Your kids to graduate leave home that very clear sense that had he acted how you treat others. And they are going to internalize that from the modeling that goes on in the home so be aware of what it -- team Japan and today your modeling what you wanna see. And then of course -- it says you've got modeling here that your. Your own example and then just a toddler. You also have to work against exposure at teenagers here lot of disrespectful. Language which they do. And and in the media here a lot of people being very -- very aggressive and and even really -- mean think about it and that that the music that they're listening to. So -- and trying to. Punish or opera consequences to curb that things are exposed to you'd probably get a lot further by restating your days. So it's counter intuitive that first child. Curses at you or speaks to you anyway that is completely unacceptable. -- scenes and well I think that it sounds kind of wimpy to turn and say that's not the way we speak to each other and turn and walk away. But you'd be really surprised and there -- how much weight practice. Gets -- injury -- thing. Has our respect I respect Q. And you have you get to decide what comes you're really down so what I'm telling you. That's not the way we speak. Thank you detect that I'm out -- countering exposure. I restating the valleys of -- -- -- hospitals and I'm about to say and there. -- -- Very clean -- And so that you said earlier about you -- what is there an age at which point they don't care of their completely cut off from -- And and I gonna -- with most of all the families that I see. That age doesn't really can't -- always on some level connect even kids who -- embattled with their parents. They still want that love and they still want that acceptance and approval from you so. That is a huge leverage to turn and walk out is putting them on that extinction extinction schedule that. Hurts them in a big deal rejection when they or or they feel the hurt of view you're not accepting them with that behavior. So. It took so it's a very powerful thing that parents do you have particularly they don't have. When you see your kids get involved with other kids that you don't approve. How do you handle that that's really tricky as it is this. So the first time somebody says to you you can't play with him you can't date her and that becomes super important doesn't think it's really power. And so it is tricky and I found take it you know skating my professional ever. To speak more as a mom. That I had to be very clear about the things that I didn't. You know I I've noticed that you're Fran and that's. Ever. Isn't doing so well and very gets in trouble at school whatever. That really worries me about about her what do you think is wrong in getting them engaged in in in figuring out what the behavior is. Is gonna get to a lot further than trying to -- somebody up your children's list. -- in the back your mind I find myself saying and when they tell me they wanna do something and they tell me -- I'll say serenity on it and the people they name. Our ring in any clear -- to mean. An and I find another reason that they don't need to be engaged in that activity. I have to add that as a mom that I have -- wrong. I have judged -- by their covers. And even judge children by their. Perhaps their behavior in school or read in the way they talk about their own parents and have been wrong my children have had -- and quality relationships. Over years that I'm really glad they have. So. Yeah not a good idea just try to forbid people. You have a fifteen to seventeen Euro have you faced them. Com will have really good. They said I mean on. Mallory is. You know she's focus and seen is that she licensing is lit. You know when you get back to the FaceBook thing and she is and we trying to teach her that what they do may now is gonna affect them you know down the -- it's -- make right decisions and you know hang around with people that you wanna hang around went down take that the oppression and bill with a group that you know you know maybe they going out tonight. And -- know you might not getting and but it. -- a try anyway -- is that it's not worth. Mom yelling at cart -- because everything she's doing mail is gonna factor features and I -- -- really come across where I had to restrict her and in the way on as far as friends set on. But my Adeline just send you know he anatomy and is very strongly elves and if you talent not to do something and unit as -- yet he can go either way you know he's on. He's -- come at a frightening now on. The nineteen AG talents and do something and and you know he -- backlight why asking me do that I found that you know he just he's very the batter -- house and a mom. I think that you know hopefully he gets in the -- on you know he -- is that anything -- it goes on. Is gonna affect his speech -- -- watch and his sister. And I -- you know we applying for the policy that we centenary things and he does what is up acting now because she learned. The hard way and she had you know reboot. Mom when she was like thirteen and stop moving in the right direction Sen. We have to take another break and we'll be right back. I love that we're talking about. Raising teenagers in today. In today's time with the people who are truly experts in the field but who are also parents and so I'm really listening to their real world. And then there -- coming academic world is what you're saying. It's very true and very helpful. To so many people. Kind of just revisit what you just ahead. I was just thinking about late -- is that about her her and her daughter being goal oriented and thinking that's really one of the ways to combat some of the bigger problems like the Internet because as a professional. And I certainly agree with everything bat Barbara Christians -- about. Knowing what aspects of the Internet they're using and and staying a step behind or -- beside them in in monitoring -- there's a point that you get to do. And it's happening younger and younger in reality. Where. It where it's just out there there isn't as much that you can control you can take -- phone away in milieu somebody else's or you can and brew in their face that page in -- opened three more and and and so it it is more important to use. Speaking in toddler -- distraction and to keep -- goal oriented and and focused on something important to them. Team sports -- an art or a hobby or. And volunteer work volunteer work -- becoming great it something that is -- -- -- in all of those are good things. And better realistically thinking that that I can control what's happening between them and the Internet. It's been a couple of years since I can honestly say. That I really knew what they're doing -- the time so it's more important to me. And to make sure that day and that they have goals and that they understand the impact it had some really good conversations. About media about what it means to. Go to sleep watching the TV for instance have a daughter who left for college and and we talked about the fact that there are real studies that you will not sleep as well that you will not feel as rested and you won't do as well on tests if you go to sleep watching. And on TV so we have those kinds of conversations. And and you have to hope that the account and then of course the parent brands and all their aunts uncles and cousins and I can get a screen shot any time for -- really got nine. Nobody can be very scary mean -- -- if any of -- Have you worked with or -- natural and somebody who was sexting. Yes -- you handle that right I -- can take the fumble like you said they'll just find somebody else's right if he simply say that won't be allowed in your ground for the weekend. And I'm gonna check all of your everything you Wear when you walk out the door. Then you can be sure. That while they're grounded they found another way to probably do it but also prohibit -- taking an extra out better you know whatever else they just find ways around that. So and sexting brings up a lot of different conversations not only. Do you want to get a general idea how many people just thought that picture. And but also what is it that you really trying to say about yourself what's the message that you really wanted to send. I saw a very interesting article a few days ago. About a I think it was a social worker who was talking with -- mom and her daughter about the meaning of sexy and between the three of them in the round. You know they were all different ideas of what sexy means and what it accomplishes would you get by being sexy. So even some of those conversations might get you a lot further in preventing more sexting and simply saying. You -- -- and taking your. OK again another break we have to take over gonna continue talking about teenagers and there were also going to be talking about older kids like young adults. Who are still on the home stay -- it is. I'm Angela under the if you will. I have loved talking about teenagers will continue but we're also gonna talk about young adults still living at home stay with us now let's go to the newsroom and donning.