WWL>Topics>>3-31-14 2:10pm Angela: on parenting, part 2

3-31-14 2:10pm Angela: on parenting, part 2

Mar 31, 2014|

Angela talks parenting with Jenni Evans, Barbara LeBlanc, and Gina Lorio of Children's Hospital, social worker Christian Harris, and Dawn Barrios, mother of two young adults.

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Automatically Generated Transcript (may not be 100% accurate)

Well I appreciate you staying with the -- I've loved this talk about raising teenagers. An ongoing challenge and yet. I'm uplifted by listening to how you'll handle things. We're gonna continue to talk about teenagers but we're gonna move on anybody who has any questions that teenagers don't hesitate to call us. But there is it strange going on in American families young people are living longer with their parents. Maybe because of the economy because of college cost whatever the reasons there's now a term. Referring to a new life stage. Called the emerging adult. Do you have an older child still living with you one and his or her twenties or thirties. Are you in your twenties or thirties still living with your folks. How do you handle that. It's in fact a household of adults. But there are still parent child relationships. So how does that work. Well we're gonna find out from our experts and I want to reintroduce. Barbara LeBlanc who was the director of the parenting center Children's Hospital she as a mother of young adults. Jonny Evans the assistant director of the parenting center a single mom with two girls she is co parenting with her ex husband. Dontarrious. Now joining us an attorney and a mother of young adults one of -- is still living with her and Christian Harris our social worker in private practice. Who works with teens college students and young adults. It doesn't get any better than that everybody here you'll ever meet on the subject -- let's talk about the sort of new thing. Happening where. Young adults for you know like after college are sting. At home for a multitude of reasons and I read one study where it's actually more men -- women which I thought was bearing interest. What do you -- I see that. Because of the economy school loans lack of jobs it has become. Convenience for kits to -- back home and for parents to be able to provide that safety net and it doesn't mean they're not going to become independent but. By scaffolding by giving them -- leg -- some financial support and help right now. It provides them with the ability to. Easing into independence and adulthood and and truly that new. Life stage of emerging adulthood. Is something that is a -- and around the country that it does take its longer now. We know that there's been some brain restarts and our brains are not fully formed until about age 25. A little earlier for women and men that. That. It -- it's taking longer to launch into account today. -- -- And I'm still waiting for my brain to fully stuff. I think it's interesting that and Barbara says that it's more common for. For men than for women I think that's sort of box what you read it would typically think. But I do hear from my older child -- in college now. A lot of talk about that as a possibility about the fact that finishing college doesn't necessarily mean. Heading to a new city or you know it did it doesn't feel like the same kind of conversation. So I do think it's important for parents to continue to be open to that I think without feeling safe children at any age can't launch anyway so at least knowing that there's going to be important. Now you have you have three sons which you -- still in the home. And were you surprised when he moved back in an hour. Now what's -- surprise at all he asked for permission Hughes between apartments with that being perfectly fine and it's just listed on the Indian -- part. -- in one thing that happened. I think every mother. Our father for that matter when the child comes back into the home adult child. They you parental obligations and you -- to own esteemed kicking. And and you are saying -- close YST about money for food -- yes. And that really smothers the adult child makes that -- feel less independent. When it's really the parent's job to make them. Really independent so that tape that. Stage when they first come back in the home takes a while. Two smoothed out so that the mother the father understands. How they have to treat the -- chart with respect. And the adult child understands. What his obligations are living in the home maybe even you know I'm moving back again so I'll take care of the -- Or I'll do the grocery -- here helping me right so I can help right right and and it is a situation that. I think it's all to prevalent everywhere. And it's become mean. Com the norm as Barbara as Barbara -- said. But we have to remember that these are adults. And you cannot talk to them -- talked to them when they were child -- early hour talked about different stages of of growing up this is the stage. That obviously is is just being recognized that it's an important stage and unless the parent is able to establish the good relationship. Can't open communication. -- boundaries very clear make it understood what is expected from both parent and child. This could ruin your relationship life. Absolutely. The you know talk about some of the rules and did you literally sit down say you know you are grown up but. You need to be in by two. -- I didn't go that far I didn't -- -- didn't do those rules that I did expect something to be done Iran house and eventually. They -- -- and the house I started to do pull. Financially. I started to say you -- his father and I'm sorry to say. You pay your own self on oh you have to pay your own car insurance unit the patriot owned gas. You have to pay for your own food eggs that are. But I have to give him credit because he didn't want us to pave those things he wanted to be in jail and did he want it to be treated like -- not -- child. Is it was he in between jobs or is he working he was at because in an apartment lease was up. And he -- can move it target an apartment and I said sure very happy to hear that and then he is now a couple of years later surveyor. Looking for an apartment or just this arrangement works well. The arrangement works that currently he's looking to buy a house. We've had a discussion but talked about a date certain that he would have he would have agreement to purchase in hand and he would move out. But that agreement that he and I have. Really took a long time to develop. I'm at first it was in the the parent who was dictating and you have to do this and I want you out for this state or when you do. This from me and you're not grateful enough in -- yes. But then I realized that that was. Making the wall -- hire him between us and then. It became a dialogue has to be a dialogue so we had a very adult type dialog. That established should a move that -- one that he could live with it on anything that I imposed upon him it's very realistic. And after the conversation. I sent him an email -- attacks thanking him for being such an adult to be able to have an open conversation. So it's taken -- But I think we're in a very good place now. I am. The patients that I see in my private practice that follow that fall into this category -- mostly just post grad. And their kind of launching out of college. With the ideas that sound. Whatever their degree was they're gonna find a professional. -- professional employment and and the reality clearly is not supporting that. And and they find that out really fast and and so they do you have on the opportunity to. Look for some more in practical options for employment. Not everybody with an anthropology degree is gonna go become and professional anthropologists say that in a 22 years old so. So you having that that safety net like you were talking about Barbara. To fall back on while they cannot. -- shell shocked you know -- like gather their senses -- recreate their you know you're rewrite the script for the next five years for themselves. And then rally. You know fourth you know with this new plan and had to be able to live at home. Really helps them now. Like you were saying they the conflict comes in with I've been away for four years and now all of a sudden -- grown up by golly I'm grown up in what you do don't come you know clean socks her -- You know -- so. It's -- it's a song that's a lot of times I'll work with the patience in sort of bomb. Communicating differently with the parents. And and and actually making requests. For the -- to have that dialogue. On to sort of change the dynamic look. Thank you so much I'm so grateful they're helping me but at the same time can we talk differently can we communicate on a different on different terms yeah exact. Stay with us everyone this is fascinating we're talking about the emerging adults still living at home financial under the that you. We're talking about the phenomenon of this emerging adults it's it's young people who are finishing training her school and then -- can get a job working get a job making enough money. Or have too many school loans what ever they end up back in their parents' home and the dynamics at play through all of a sudden you have adults living with adults. Not children living with adult. Very very brief when I graduated from University of Texas in journalism. I was still on fire to get a job and I can't I could even think about moving back home that is part of the excitement was being on your own. The reality was I got a job for dollar seventy an -- and I ended up living with my mother. Yeah for a year god bless her sweetheart for taking me. And so much of what you're talking about. I understand. She was very supportive because she saw that I was working twelve days but at the same time it was still. Her need to help me -- that nest again me wanting to be out of the nest which I finally did. After I made a dollar and 9 -- An -- but it just say that that was a long time and today it's a little different kids. Young young people kids it's adults young adults. As you were saying the opportunities are different. Opportunities are different and that experience is they used to lead to employment opportunities don't always now that in turn ships. You know we between Christians said that anthropology majors I had an anthropology major handed -- come a couple of times between attempts to. Make it in ran it through taking. An intern ship living someplace else applying for jobs and the competition. Is so great. That the realization that she was gonna have to go to graduate school. It did she what field was that can mean. And as an anthropology major she won in museum war will arts are highly competitive. So it and low today. So if we paid a lot of money for a very expensive. Graduate program which she what kind of school loans with that kind of meaning could she supporters self after that. So through going three to five years of often on moving off coming back home living off coming back pump. I did watch her disappointment I didn't watch her. Her year and down that. I am not sure she would be on the -- she's -- if she hadn't experienced those things and that does. Understanding. Of what it was gonna take to be an appeals and a career that she could supporters. And yet when their homes and your cheering them on. You are still the parents' strict and even though they may be 25 or Tony between under thirty that still the -- And yet. You still have to have peace in the home. That dynamics are very interesting because they're coming back in the home as an adult. And have. -- had -- experience with relationships. And then they're turning -- microscope. On the relationship between their parents yeah yeah -- -- it was a relief. Well that's actually something that. Typically comes up went with with my population of of well with my patients in this population over. Going back into the house all the sudden these these -- of childhood dynamics come out and there's there's sometimes a lot of blame me or there's a lot of other things that. They kind of discovered about their family are reflected on the family life. When you were away at college and now they're home and and parents get have been. -- be careful about like what I've learned in psychology wanna want about you mom and dad and -- so so kind of working with with those. Those patients to you know be gentle with. Your parents who had accepted graciously -- -- the but but but something that you were -- about. At some point. There was an iron out your support of the future and you certainly want you to be happy. And you're you are the safety net but at some point don't have to say that there's an Al time. So let's let's go toward that that's what what do we have to do to get here. Absolutely and you have to do it like you're almost negotiating with. Our attorney negotiating with no attorney you he had it. Decide that you images to jam something down that the adult child's -- you have to make a client and make sure it's realistic. That he or she can beat that plane because that. One thing that you don't want to do is set him up for failure because if you say it in an angry rage OK until I start on Sunday. Then that's not gonna happen. Here she's gonna become very angry with you you're Tennessee. And and it's just going to be tunnel. Are stressful situation. So you have to build up to it you have they have. That good relationship. And realized that it was difficult for. The adult child even asked to come yes it. You know when your your own and you know the masters and you're living and apartment and you rocket and Roland. To say can I come home. That. Bad feeling that -- a -- -- -- yes I think is is very negative. About moving her -- and parents need to recognize that they can't jump on that I don't Trout and continue to beat him out because they are wrong. Stay with us we'll be right back let's go to the newsroom now and Don ain't over talking about young adults who have returned to the nest. And what it means for them and what it means for the parents taking the man. And with some people who are living the experience. And people who -- experts in the field who worked with people who were living experience I want to go back to. The adult child moves backhand. Aren't there rules that have to be in place. Or you just have another adult in the house. I think rules have to be in place but the parents -- us to recognize that. You know you recognize it at the beginning. And you should have a feeling -- sit down and tell him or her what is expected to have them. And if you don't hit that that's where the strike whose and that's where an argument comes in because the parents their expectation. That's I'm guaranteeing is different from and it got trounced expectations the T have to get itself on the same page not you are very clear about your son. Wanting to pay his way -- pain in but for those who have children who have moved back and who don't. Well you know it's my house to Roland you know you can cover my insurance and you can. How do you handle that. -- bombs and the university of Minnesota actually did -- a steady at 700 young adults between 24 and 32. And looked at. How much financial aid even if they weren't living with the parents were they getting help from him financially and I think that cell phone bill for me it was. The final being you know they took cover and a cellphone bill when my boys did. That. About 50% of them were getting some kind of financial help from their parents through those years and that it was. That amount they got decreased each year as they got on a road to independence. For me. It's telling the rules. And then having -- kid actually realized that I Nanette. We're two different steps because when I said you know it's just the dad and me I really don't cook anymore. And for them to realize he really meant that. You really don't get a -- ignited me more I really can't I cannot on those spamming me in line they remembered from there adolescents and no you know I'm going to did you have to work crime to finance take a while I have it. When -- -- it really doesn't anymore my life is different as an anti Napster and that was a big realization. Well I think it's realization that parents have lives. Not beyond race to get that something you just said it it is in long gating. Parent. And a -- which is I think which is really nice but it's definitely a dynamic it. Given that my oldest is eighteen. And it's something that I think a lot of I I know I see myself as a parent for amber. But having them back in the house as adults would be. It feels like it would be really tricky. Even something as simple as. What did they pay foreign what do I pay for. But also like we were sort of referring to earlier. If they come in at 2 in the morning do they really at 20/20 122 years old they have any responsibility to me around I mean. Unless there waking me up. Probably not really but I can guarantee you that I will be sitting up in my bed doing a crossword puzzle wondered branding iron -- there regardless of how they act. And how about that and they don't come home right exactly. So what responsibility at least I'll call and tell -- that are not coming home. That -- really I mean. And I think about it I'm also reflecting in in my -- on the -- that I did that with -- matter we work together and live together and you know -- a lot of what each other instead she. Probably didn't know where I was it. You know -- in the morning and then -- -- -- -- never. But I think about it -- every day if I had every day and I told them and to expect me and and you know there are concerned about -- that maybe. But it is. I I like the idea as a as a mom that it. Means parent is gonna last longer. But it also gives me that feeling cost a lot -- learn. And and more work ahead yeah it just is very interesting. Just listening to all of you and in other shows that we've done about what's happening in our economy. Is really dictating a lot so and and the fact is it's expensive to rent in New Orleans and you know it's funny -- again I thought about -- Christa was talking earlier another thing about coming home. After college that strikes me thinking about it. Think that my daughter has that is. And when I graduated. Much like you were saying and I couldn't wait to get working in my field. But I also was in touch with friends. And we are gonna pack as many people as we needed to into an apartment so that we can afford it -- -- a matter of what we all have and what can we afford to agree it. Where. It feels like the adults now are graduating -- thinking while I am living at a certain standards. And if I go how I can continue to live in the lifestyle to retire and become a customs I wonder if there isn't a bit of that as well. Yeah I definitely see that -- on with some other college grads that that I deal with this they they are used to living. Middle class upper middle class lifestyles and their. Quite comfortable. Having someone maintain that for them a large percentage of them that other thing is that. When they when they are. This generation of of of college grads. You know there there are a lot there are a lot less. Anxious to move on from their parents and their parents you know that I've had him high so what you had as a media I mean. You you'll have parents. Flying down. Do in the pop in like from a thousand miles away in their happy to see -- you know. I think it would have been mortified at my parents just drove left and our relish do you know did the pop in on -- -- -- and. Let down. But but I think this generation are more amenable to having parent involvement. Where we were really trying to you know chomping at the bit to it to create that distance. So it's just kind of a new cultural perspective. Did we create that -- usually talk and I started thinking about the amount of spectator time parents spend today watching their kids play sports watching near being -- every advance. On their kids can depend on that they can rely on net. And did we create that that communication instant communication they have while they're away from home. You know you'd. My kids would call me. Walk across campus and you rarely see a child -- walking across college campus without a plan to there ear so that would be the times they would check in an instant. Stay with us everyone we're gonna continue adults moving back right after this very interesting discussion about young adults. Moving home -- and we talked a lot about those given the circumstances whether they can't get the right job I -- not making enough what ever. But then there are those that just don't want the only -- -- so I'm gonna ask our expert how best to handle that how do you. I think you have to sets of golf and we've talked on and on about. Everybody's expectations being hair out in the open and exploring what their options are. Bitch you have to you have to have those difficult conversations through -- family meeting or how ever. And just let them know what the limits of your support are what the limits you're. Your expectations. Are and there had just like it Didier -- there you're gonna do a lot better if you have buy in from the finance. Then if you have consequences on the backing this those are those -- the difficult situations and if you need to go to a third party and you know like Christian here and have some family meetings with somebody to help you through this process and absolutely that's the direction you need to -- these are difficult. Issues to negotiate very broad with lots. Of the emotion meaning and and as you know especially if one is in their later twenties if not thirty saying you know what you can't tell me what to do. Putting into prime me out of the house. You know what do you do. I mean and understand exactly what you're saying but do you punish a thirty year old to -- we can no you can't. So so 11 of the things that that I I'll do that some I start working with. Parents of younger kids and I my advice is to start having -- conversations. Very practical realistic conversations about the cost of college about how much money. Mom and dad made and what they had to do to get. To where they are now you don't just graduate from college and you know you're making what's -- -- when he thirty years into the fields -- is making so. Telling stories about. Your dollar ninety and our living with your mom you know telling the stories gives -- a very practical. Realization of what they can expect so on letting them know one you're gonna be on -- around to. Planning for that. Doesn't just mean making straight days in college and then going and getting its. You guys are planning for that before college so -- very practical about financial matters and about the fact that yes it is okay for them and they are capable Q. On. Sacrifice. Early on. They might have to have a job that they didn't expect that they were gonna have and with an income that they didn't expect that we're going to be making and and they might have to have to. If they want to -- luxuries you know and and the difference and and this goes back to what we talk about last hour is. Clarifying for kids and I think that you actually brought this up Angeles. There's a difference between a luxury and in need and luxuries. It takes a lot of money and which takes a lot of work so. You know had a very practical realistic conversations with -- as they're growing. -- growing up resin that night you graduate from college you have to pay for everything you belong you know understood appreciated and right now. Not too long ago trinity. School had as speaker Madeline Levine who wrote a book called the price of privilege and looking at on over indulgence and exactly what you said it was one of her recommendations that teenagers and college students see their parents in the height of their career. And they had no idea how they got there. And so did talk about Europe missteps here. Terrible jobs that you left and found something else and how you found. Your passion in your career. Helps them know that this process this doesn't happen you know full blown as they graduate from college they suddenly noticed. That we all went to a process as we built our careers just because they CS is being successful at this point. We had to get here. Stay with everyone we're not done we're talking about. Young adults -- home. Really all I have time for some major thank Q2 two Jenny Evans and Barbara LeBlanc from the Children's Hospital parenting center. Two John Barry is the attorney in the mother are living example of who's going to learn a lot from you. And from Christian hair -- social worker in private practice. I think this is this is an important conversation because it's happening more. Sit down and talk to each other thank each and every one of you tomorrow we'll see you everybody enjoy your afternoon now let's go to Don names in the newsroom.