WWL>Topics>>4-24-14 2:10pm Angela: on divorce

4-24-14 2:10pm Angela: on divorce

Apr 24, 2014|

Angela talks divorce with Jenni Evans of the Parent Center at Children's Hospital, custody evaluator Terri Campesta, and divorced mom Trish Kaufman.

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Automatically Generated Transcript (may not be 100% accurate)

Will changes to the civil service a system clearly are going to be. In our future for the next coming months and it's something that we will continue to address. It affects not only those who are working within the civil service. But certainly those who support it and and that we as taxpayers -- so we need to know what that system is doing. We are now moving on tooling and other I think equally important subject that affects all too many people. In a perfect world people would marry for life and raise their families his team. In reality roughly 50% of couples will divorce and that means great numbers of children will have their lives affected as well. Did your parents divorced what did it mean in your life. Are you a couple contemplating a split and are concerned about how to handle it with your children. We definitely want to hear from me. Give us -- call 260187. That's 26018 summit they. For the next hour we have some real expert with us to offer advice and insight into divorce and children. -- joining us is -- Evans the assistant director of the parenting center at Children's Hospital. Single mom of two girls and is co parenting with her ex husband. Terry and passed a licensed professional counselor and child custody of value later. Trish Kaufman a divorced mother -- and our permanent front of every time we do -- parenting show she's here and it means so much a human. Great thoughts on it on and it's been such a big part of your life that you are the expert. It I thought last night as a rise to almost word and we began. Because this is such a big topic. And yet we have to. Let's start with what's the best way. To break it to your children. That your split. That isn't a place to start and that's a lot of the calls that we get that the parenting center are exactly about pat what do I say. And and to sort of back it up even further. We asked them some questions about how long they've been talking about separating and divorcing and where they are and where the other parent is in that thought process. Because. That. -- hardest thing for children is -- everybody knows before them so glad you asked that it's important to address it. There's some basic masters messages that your children need not only when you break it to them but over and over through the years. Mostly that both parents still love them and that divorces and that children can't cause divorce any more than that caused marriage. That both parents if if indeed that is the case will still be in their lives. And that parents are committed to focusing on the children's needs. And then it's important depending on the children's age to take questions. Surrounding giving a lot of long lectures are trying to. Give reasons. Latency with the questions are I can tell you personally when I went and visited. I mean obviously the stressful and sad but it was pretty entertaining one child stared. Dead cold in my face like you wanna meter repeated which I didn't. On the other and said. Where I think she said where I live and who will drive it was like she had read the text back where I live who will drive me to school. Something house and then her final question was if you get married again can I -- -- flower -- -- We really strange because we did not have a high conflict marriage so it wasn't like you you could have expected that. Anyway just to keep -- -- Reiterating those messages that both parents is still my view that we are trying to take care of of your means that this is hard for honest that you can't cost imports. And letting their children that they will be taking care of and that the parents will decide which is best for them it is not the child's responsibility to decide to figure that out. And let them know how they will be taking care you know dad will continue to bring you to school like he has always start on. We will both be there for your plays or for your meetings with with -- dance instructor. Those types of things to continue and let that child know that they will be involved with their talents line. And it if the child says will what's the matter why you'll splitting. Dead and then certainly that comes up usually comes up later. But it can't come happening initial conversation. And it's important to let -- let children know of all ages you know what it's actually a very. Grown up. Issue and it's and it's not a single answer. And I will be honest with you when you ask me questions but I don't have a real answer for one wouldn't. I mean I was also thinking age yet to be age appropriate. Depending on how -- the children are what you say. I I would think that you would need to say this was not about them and that it may be to simply just saying we just don't get along you know we love you open. Again I've actually heard the answer related to happiness as well that it's important for people to do things that make them. Happy in their lives and we were happy at first thing you're right there at their can be certainly more answers around that where. We -- happy and we're not happy together anymore but I think if we're living apart will both be happy in -- create a better environment for you so that's that's that is a good you know what we're gonna go to McAuliffe is I think. Eugene is asking. Pretty much the same thing you want advice on explaining divorce. They go yes -- Eugene. All out well. In almost. All. -- Oh yeah and meet people and and -- beat me beat indicates where -- -- and you know. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- You don't like -- though. About the economy though. Hitler at the -- single model. You have big game a little. Not the better. They're part by our non battle with -- mark doll you know who now would raise -- -- -- -- -- what do. Well I think what's important here is to remember that the parents are the ones that make these decisions. About the child and what's in their best interest. This reminds me of the concept of parallel parenting each parent parents in their own home. And frankly mind their own business about what's going on in the other person's home. And that does help. Children feel more secure because it in forces. And reinforces. That the parents are the ones and charged. Both parents not a child than a parent in charge of the other parent household that if the daughter and the mother -- -- up. Then he's feeling left out ride and he wants it's not he wants his influence -- and they're out voting. How old is your daughter reaching. -- -- as we were being. Oh. Like worried -- would be be on the problem with the need. Mean. 000. Now be able. The and we are old so we -- well. That brought all need -- I don't know where brand. In. Look like. -- what are. Just be that people keep. Marty. But it. So you'll -- it will be out oh. All of that and you could be struggling. Rangel and -- -- these built. Right well I'm really glad to hear that and your head is in the right place you are focused on and your daughter's needs and and what is best for her. And I have two thoughts and obviously you're welcome to and to call the parenting center or. We'll hear more about it. The things that area offices offers her rapist but I've -- got -- is. As far as that conflict and establishing their relationship that -- was talking about that parallel parenting. That something -- Now as far as the relationship with a fourteen year old daughter and his -- her momma that's tricky. And and I would think really creatively I mean as a as a parent educator I would love to to brainstorm with you some of the things that you and your daughter can do and enjoy. And plan for. So that you establish a relationship around. That things that you do enjoy together instead of trying to spend too much of your energy. You know getting between them are vying for equal time and so those him. That he thought to have -- the top and I also think the time that you spend with her it's really important I'm just I'm not in the education field on his mom here does. But I really I think that. It's so hard because I have a contentious situation and I know what you're going through that I think the passed away. Is to let that child know how much you -- her how much you enjoy spending time with her what her opinion is. Matters to you. And Tuesday you respect her and. And valuing that time -- she will she will come back around more than likely as she gets to be older shows that -- I do wanna go to a ball game -- matter where you know cup coming up with ideas of fun things you'll do just like she's doing fun things with her mother. I hear that loud and clear that maybe -- that purchasing agent is maybe new Eugene and you're ex wife sit down with parenting center and figure out. Also we get the pairings -- -- -- -- -- -- Of me now -- right. If you don't argue. All our. Put all its good that they're all. Read. It all well ma -- -- -- Yes sometimes it's important to have a third party to help you talk to each other. That a third party that can help educate both parents on what is so important. For it. At fourteen year old developmentally. What's important which stages they're going through what they need and and frankly what they don't meet. That's good information for all parents to have. And working out a parenting plan one of the things that. That Terry hopefully we'll tell us -- about his mediation because all of the research is showing that. Children who are going through. The divorce their parents divorcing with any level of conflict do so much better when their parents participate in mediation. But just a back up the second Eugene one thing that you can do at the parenting center. We do offer -- class and we offer once a month that's a one time class for two hours called focus on children. And we do talk about communications strategies and minimizing conflicts so you know that is certainly way to get some tips and skills. You can call me anytime it's -- Sure it's 8969591. And you can talk to any of that parent educators there. An and I do think that we can help but I also think that that -- can tell us more about the process of mediation which is very helped. Well when -- -- parents need for mediation date they meet with the domestic mediator and I am a domestic mediators as well. And what happens in that meeting is -- parents. Get to express their concerns. And their desires and and and discuss what it is. Important in -- household what they're scared of life. That plan can be developed. That. It as opposed to some plan that frankly it's kind of 11. -- statement. From the Portsmouth. You know if you participate in the solution you're gonna sign into. And with both parents participating in the solution. They do tend to get along that there is someone get into the media. Well they they can they can call it does not have to be quick order both parents can agree to it and they can certainly. Call me on mine numbers 4277280. Most mediators and I know why do work sliding scale fee because it's on war. It's fun to come up with this great solutions at it for fame and rapid and positive out. -- -- what they maybe. Don't me dollars for it will all. No no no it -- -- -- at classes began classes can be can be court ordered -- can mediation be quarter. Mediation can be court order but it does not have to be court -- do you think your XY apple want to go down. Doubted that I think that all -- -- -- it yeah it. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- In -- prowl all the in between. In a -- -- -- you take issue with the bag. There you go odd beer -- -- also. Is. You know -- but the issue will be tight when that are well well did so they do it brutal brutal. I don't -- but -- 01. Goal call. Went to go well the birds fall would be all. On. All we all all all burdened. The ball -- job. And it comes out loud and clear. You do not hate that we have to go but we do we're gonna have to take a break but I want everyone to stay with this. I hope you got those numbers and I hope do get to go to mediation stay with this wonderful get your call but now. We'll be right back. Well we're talking about divorce and how you handle that with your children and and the continuing relationship with the children and how divorce affects your children. And we are with that of course joining Evans. Who's the assistant director the parenting center Terry come pastor who was a licensed professional counselor -- trial custody evaluate her. And Trish Hoffman who divorced mother to put. More of an authority than she's giving yourself Christ didn't. It's a tough subject and we and that wonderful Eugene who called -- really product line. It is to me the ability of parents to communicate. With a focus on what's best for kids. That's the perfect world in reality it doesn't happen like that. How do you. How do you protect your kids and make them realize. In your -- may not be here -- mother may not be here revenues custody but -- month. Right anywhere people -- -- -- really only have one parent like the other parent is on or even in prison or. Or whatever. At -- to do visitation. With children you could only visit with one parent you know with an established as a visitor when -- called it supervised visitation shank you. And in counseling those parents you know we told them it's important for children to know that you let's say as the mother. And believe that there that their dad loves them that parents love their children and that there may be something really wrong with her you know whether it is that they. Are abusive or whether they're they are have abandoned their children. I think you can still not everybody feels this way but that it's hit a good message to let children know that their loved. Hopefully by the another parent. And that it's the other person's problem. But I think and another thing that you're referring to that it that we have several examples. Is how do you shift the relationship between the parents the people who are parenting your children so that it can still work. Because trying to. Raise your children together without any communication at all just increases conflict so. One of the buzz words that we use in our class at the parenting center is moving from an intimate relationship. A marriage friendship. You know where you do share each other's businesses Terry was saying earlier to a business like relationship. In -- together in the business raising children so what does that mean what's good for business that's raising children. And try to find the things that you agree about whether it is. That extra curriculars -- Nutrition or you know the things that you agree on us as parents. And focus on those things in the business of raising children. And and and the other parties to make sure that you're communicating. With your co parent regarding the activities of the children because again the focus needs to be on the children. Not on me at the parental relationship on their children so you wanna make sure that that other parent is informed about. For example school plays or against reviews perhaps -- a sports activity extra curriculars. On a defense maybe maybe your child received days and Avery wore it for something. You know if you're the -- picking up that child from school take a picture with your phone and text that. To the other parent that would both parents can take part and that that's very important. For the child and many interactions with that between the parents. Need to be very businesslike. Imagine you sending me an email to a potential employer. What would that email look like that's what I teach parents that I work -- you want those emails to be very brief. And contain the necessary information. Not all of those jams that panic in the middle there -- type I call that sounds really great in theory -- if you have someone who has so much anger. Because I have tried using that for years and. Yes and it and hit it to officials -- -- You need to decide whether or not you're going to respond to certain jams. If this email -- receiving his three paragraphs long and there's only the information out. Pick up time being changed from four to four favorite team you can make that decision. To email back saying I'll pick up at 415. Period -- no more than arrest you don't have to respond to that. It's an end and it's very tempting to -- that I wanna get into it that you really can make a better choice to reduce the -- Are going to have to take another break and we're gonna dozen newsroom but only combat we're gonna pick up on this about. You are in reality in a very difficult moment in your life and how do you protect kids from stay with us we'll be right. We are talking about divorce and how it affects children and I want Gina London testing on real quick to the group my parents divorced when I was eight. I never heard a look back as an adult and and wonder. Never heard a negative word that either their mounts about each other. Black -- battle that is a miracle and believe I understand that now. Those are parents focused on their child rather than -- and stuff and as one gets old that you realized they were real issues but when -- eight years old and you I didn't know what divorce well. But I know I know of people who don't protect your kids because they're so hurt and there's so. Their lives are so destroyed in -- kind of collapsed. What. There are two things that we more parents in when the other. One is that your child and now it on the surface deep down underneath. They know that they are part you and part the other -- that the other and it's. -- -- in them as there is just and there's a part of them knows that and shore. The thing is that we knew. And the other. You start -- State and trustworthy source. -- if you become energy and it separates them prepared. The two messages we want parents and the other Perry you're really not making yourself what matter you're making your. Self look a little less. Comforting nurturing and reliable and you're making your child -- and half bad. And it. Well absolutely absolutely it's so important have a relationship with both parents there's a lot of research out now that today specifically. Addresses the relationship at that children have with their fathers. And the importance of that when both parents are involved in their children's lines they perform better academically. Girls in particular to better in math. They take more initiative they have better self control. The rate of teen pregnancy is lower juvenile court involvement is reduced and their children's own. Future marriages or more successful. And that's even if you can get a letter writing her phone calling you know even -- even if it's not every day it's establishing a relationship. Right and if if you if if the father let's say isn't. As participating as much how do you inspire him. Well by educating him letting him know what important role he had this. Would be the individual on quality not necessarily the quantity. And and frankly that goes for both parents but the quality. Of the relationship is it is so important. Often much more important than just the quantity I can stare that you all day. But if I'm having a meaningful conversation with you that's that's so much better. -- let's go to -- Linda you've been holding on my appreciated. Hello. Hi. -- I always thought that black parent that together. So -- it. -- -- -- aren't being gene and I hope he does don't like it should get it together because quite -- And oh yeah -- got a yeah well be and I don't know I'm glad to be attacked again on the street John hello. And -- in new world. A. -- are not -- and out saying that you know he's going to be felt in Halifax. You know what type parent to get him to get told to show and a -- -- had doubts. Relationship get together because the -- -- You know that but you can't. Tell you are -- how big it can't forget about it. -- thank you very very much and drive carefully to know how. Jane let's not go to Jane and rarer. Time time time that I am. Happy. That. That of the ballots that don't. Completely. And this time. Now. Non medical expenses that at that the other thing -- -- it. Step by. Just -- hanging. Not surprised the windows but aren't there and and -- -- inspection. Under the table and and what you. But I'm. Probably as I've -- people whip -- some of the tournament it would that the it. A that's a group. And my mom can do what it is -- it. Let me ask you let -- the are your parents divorced. They are divorced. Yes. -- and my perspective on the -- at the right which would ban on -- line. And Monday mornings and we'll talk many of them now he's got like a -- Did he help you as a child with your disabilities. Gotten to nail he'd have to because it on the table -- Okay -- I love that you call in your doll that call thank you so. Yeah. But. Some programs that that the -- the -- that I have to do as. I can. -- media. It's now. No thank you very much team -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- Sometimes bothers war. In the -- -- those working their job more than thing in the world mr. Edwards. Really hamstring but they should nearly impossible for those -- show. Rex white citizens slide though we've in March and almost seven months. The island. Whatever court it is like -- almost came directly program. There's one. Detail here culture -- zero would be -- urged. You know what you have Jeremy and you'll in court in the -- easier. On what are they -- you not seeing your child. Well it's been and here again much. On the relationship that was where someone you know objects. What about marriage from exploited in the same thing in my brother because there or related by marriage they can do it. In this ship is director -- you know after shaking in court. -- My -- say that next level of decorum thing about -- addressed that you prefer shaking or. It did distinct -- and I'm not minimizing your experience at all but we actually hear from. You know -- moms and -- that the class we do every month and oftentimes -- report the same thing they feel like. Then men in the core I always get a little bit of extra credit just because they're there and show an effort his dad's and whatever. So and I hope that the gender bias is not that the biggest problem. Them. Career. Perpetrated based in -- Not the war. That's straight indigo Joe's -- actual -- eastern winter there and and rather. And pictured John bush supporter cheers. Here and he's bullish outlook program. Excellent third like that Chechnya in humans -- water skiers. Why should act in the war achieved that to cheers and -- and page up support for years over and -- Attention -- child. You know -- -- and -- them. And yeah. How the courts -- child support shouldn't be tied to visitation schedules either so. And again -- I'm sure there are details that I -- that aren't clear to me but. But I think that when you do go back to corridor speak to your attorney that you ought to make sure they separate. The the visitation schedule from the child support payment discussion -- -- be two different discussion -- we hello. -- -- -- -- Israel from Torre -- ousting of awards are actually political spectrum. You know -- News station something get video that the or thanks to short break apart. Thank you very much for calling -- we'll be right back. We have one last minute just to say how what are the signs -- the child is not adjusting to the divorced very quickly grades can drop. They can start having trouble at school fighting with their peers. They may not enjoy the activities or one -- -- engaged in the activities that they once enjoyed so much. They can have trouble falling or staying asleep -- nightmares. They may throw a temper tantrums -- out of character. Types of behavior if they're older they may avoid the home altogether. It may be changing in appetite. And of course when those things happen you you may need to consult with a professional. OK you all are professional and I'm still very grateful to you gonna have this is an important they were gonna do it again. And I want to thank all of our collars that Jonny Evans and Terry. Had -- -- and Trish -- the best thank you so much time they ever want to stay with us because in our next hour we're going to be talking to the founder. Jazzier side I cannot wait to meter. Stay with this will be right back. Take -- love of dance and a love of fitness put them together and you have jazz or size. That is exactly what our -- created 45 years ago. But Judy Shepard missed it didn't just build a fun way to exercise to music she built an international empire. With almost 8000 franchisees. -- -- teachers are holding 32000. Classes a week in 32 countries. Judy Shepard missed that story is one of smarts and creativity. And after 45 years it's a story of evolution and endurance and that's what I want to disdain for will be right.