WWL>Topics>>5-13-14 2:10pm Angela: on fatherhood

5-13-14 2:10pm Angela: on fatherhood

May 13, 2014|

Angela talks about fatherhood with local dads Dana Henry and Richard King as well as custody evaluator Terri Campesta and Jenni Evans of the Parent Center at Children's Hospital.

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Automatically Generated Transcript (may not be 100% accurate)

What a thrill. I'm still reeling from Ireland show about the veterans. Because after the show ended we got a miracle call let me tell you. And a wonderful man is gonna try to help them with the plumbing situation. With those events can move into that apartment complex that waits for them. In saint Charles parish but. It is a matter of -- can accomplish a lot when you know when you joined hands so thank you thank you thank you. We are moving on. Nolan said being a parent disease. And clearly everyone has his or her own style. But is there a difference in how men parent compared to women. If your father do you automatically think you're the disciplinarian of the family. What's the greatest thing you've done to bond with your child. We're talking about being a father how you think how you parent. If you're dead give us a call at 2601 point seven -- and share any idea -- you have on how to raise good kids. Joining us to incredible fathers. Richard king a local lawyer who was raising two boys with his wife. He considers himself very much a hands on dad. And Dana Henry also an attorney who now does community organizing and education advocacy for children. He is co parenting with his ex wife. Two children and is extremely active in their lives. And what this also is our beloved Joni Evans assistant director of the parenting center at Children's Hospital. And Terry -- passed. -- licensed professional counselor. Who also does mediation and has second time back into the show -- we talk so much with parents and they've pretty much been women. So we are looking forward to talking today -- -- just about your lives and just how you're approaching things and what we can learn from you and definitely to the dads out there. Any thoughts you have 260187. Let me start with with our two fathers. First of all did you knowing your life you always wanted kids. Who. Alternated. Just a little bit of background I've been married since I was twenty years old. And elect -- High School college again -- so we've known each other for a long time and it's you know. We kind of grew up together in Tripoli and at that point but we decided wise okayed you know. It was in the law school which is what happened already married. And once we went through law school than we decided yet organ actually gets it was a planned thing for sure as soon -- -- school. You one thing I remember. When I was in law school. I would always think OK -- you've known to keep open these kids are nowhere to be able to do before you know there are getting older so. In my mind was always open that I thought don't even while it was going through school so we thought only women as well and I'm -- at all. Things that you always want kids. Always always wanted kids and in the -- I felt the same way I've never wanted to be kind of old day always thought to myself. You know when I had kids I wanted to be an active parent physically active like always had visions of plan. Sports is in and enjoy horseback ride and that sort of thing I was like can't be. You know 556 -- with the newborn all the people do it in and and it's and it's no problem but I've always wanted kids and always Baltimore. Money I made more kids know. So I'm gonna happen. It was kind of that balance the more money I made united had me beat me before five but does settled onto and it's it's it's a it's a wonderful experience what you have little boy and a girl. Girl is eight months on six correct. Okay and you have two boys do Roland is going to be sixteen in -- four. Are so can you really wanted children and then reality you have the children. Did you have any discussion at all about sort of the division of work. Or was it it's my time to change diapers -- I'm not changing diapers. It no their home yeah hope. There was that plan but it really wasn't alone. We -- we get the kids close together in in I think that can attract pull my wife and I spam is I've I've got one brother two years younger than me. And -- -- and it was kind of how it was going in a week. If we had two kids that close they be able to play together so that they would actually be the kind of the third person would be taking care of them and on -- for those first couple years it wasn't that easy but as they got older and were able to play together then you know they were also. Kind of had a hand in in you keep themselves. Let me ask you before they even have an answer. Eight child psychiatrist roaming the importance of playing with little -- I'm not talking about going on the baseball field on talk about when they're infants and when there. Robert -- wrong moment did you sit and play and if you did how did you. I did. Early on and there was computer games in and these little small computers to kids and interactive story and playing ball with them early on just a just rough house and toss them around just making him feel like us loved and protected and secured. That was primarily -- with what we did but there was always some kind of play a lot of laughter you know one thing that. That we do focus on is making sure that. Children are happy that if he seems sad to say something -- here -- so there was always. Play involved in and over the silliness but but learning at the same time. Yet absolutely. You know our number of those. Called them they can stop him from running in the arches over that -- know -- real well I -- under and play with a because I thought that they a man did exactly. But yet clearly you know play of them all the time you would take them running sometimes. We it is big monstrosity of -- running stroller so I get a lot of analysts here for awhile -- -- with a -- yet -- Not because I think we all know that that say that I have I've talked to people who said you know when my kids year old Brian Milligan have a wonderful time. And yet they got a -- pretty early on it's interesting because there's a lot of information about or I should say what people talk about the differences between mothering and bothering. And they're not recognizing how many similarities there are and they're really is. A predisposition to nurture and love and attached. To your young children prevent mothers and fathers but it looks different and so sometimes we don't appreciate. The play and the physical interaction that dads enjoy with. -- against it absolutely looks different and and where it's interesting to me is is listening to you guys and hearing everything that you've said it's about stimulating. The job. And and that is actually -- supported in the researches that. Fathers tend to play. In stimulate. And mother sand -- it ten to calm and soothe. You know when we knew with two or three girls right bothers throw them up in the air put a Mother's -- they -- and they hold a -- tellem that they love them. And it's just it's a very very different. Scenario but that's not to say that that fathers cannot sued or are -- of of course. What did you pattern your fathering on. My dad my dad. You know my dad is is seven -- That effect this year he makes some 74 years old he raise my brother of my -- parents are still married have to. This will be there. 53 year of marriage. Raise my brother and I he's ten years old and -- nine amendment that was he's he's -- small in stature -- -- big personality you know he walks in a in a room and everybody is like hey Willie. But he was always very firm but silly at the same time and in he always gave that balance. I was fearful of him when he got angry but I can play with him when he was just in his normal self and -- are always wanted to be that type of -- to want it. I want kids and I think just any relationship with his superiors and in against inferior relationship. -- -- -- better term. You know how I want my kids understand that I'm -- characters in different second but. I wanted to be a balance of a firm friendship with disciplinary action if necessary and so possibility they they respect as soon as a spank my son. Five minutes later he's talking Cindy let's watch NBA draft so I think his work. In -- -- was the same way I mean I would think to and I both fortunate in that you know fathers were pretty well involved. My dad was 22 -- almost when he had me so they were -- you know he was Smart baseball coach he would. You know you'd coach my brother's team while I was you know playing on a different team it's -- they were you know he was always highly involved in an Oscar and hope which -- and and I think obviously yet. -- psychology of a bullet. I'm guessing that that at some point answerable and so I think you think that in the back your mind and that's also what's supposed to be in you know at least a month and probably -- -- it. And so I try to pattern myself after which. Stay with us we're continuing our talk about being a father -- activists while we're talking about I guess the -- of parenting from the father's perspective. Two incredible events here Dana cannery in Richard -- Interestingly they just met but but again your lives parallels so much. Both lawyers both very involved with your kids' schools and coaching and it's under center -- And it's just a wonderful thing to hear it's equally wonderful to hear how far out you worry about this experience. And enough and just it's very encouraging. Let's talk about your style vs the mother of your children the style was there any conflict. Or is there any conflict. She's -- -- very careful and let -- She first thought you know Christen is the rock that you know -- have -- -- You know I guess we have a little bit of a different style. She's clearly he's the make sure that the boys are always doing homework always. You know make an issue were. That they -- current all of these computer programs that they need to preschool now. And she's you know she's that person. And although you know I I've obviously support that. I'm all you know and also the person that's you know what -- take a couple of minutes off we can go out and if we catch for a little while and -- We've got a -- Kind of relationship we're sometimes it's she's going to be that guy around good -- or vice -- And I think it kind of plays out that way I don't think it's intentional I think it's just our personalities and -- just -- to wander -- -- the one thing that I can remember we divvied up early on was homework I was an English major. Common history. She's an engineer so she's math and science in enjoys math and science and stay away from -- -- which is one law school and the but we divvied up homework early on. She provides much more. Of the academic foundation. Source homework holes -- follow provides support to her on that. I take the lead on -- corporate stores called gene. Any extracurricular activities that involve like sports and activities particularly on -- -- support so. It's kind of an unspoken balance but the one thing we did divvy up was who's going to math and science and who's going to end. There you'll be recognized at the strengths and weaknesses. And our size its patience too because. You know my wife is a whole lot more patient -- concert in the kids realize that's true. If I get you know I've got people that work for me you know in the practice law also if I get one of their papers you know -- -- it. -- all start -- red lines on it and cycle by the way it's not when your -- it's you know it's true you know I've got to back up a little bit and in the -- frustrates -- sometimes it is. -- -- And I skipped out on that and what's interesting is that fathers and as you're talking fathers tend to emphasize. Real world consequences. You know don't steal candy bar or you're going to GA that's it end -- story period. Mothers. Will say. How which you feel that someone stole something viewers very relational. And and and that difference is that important to balance because the child needs needs both sides to back. And it's very telling I think there's a lot of time conversation when especially when children are young but certainly as they get older and then again when their teens about. Differences in. In discipline methods we got a lot of parents calling the pairings and saying things like I just don't think that my husband or my wife. Shares the same values. And being able to put it into those birds that -- was just saying that she's looking at this relational issues looking at social. Consequences and you're looking at more concrete real world. Consequences and it plays that very interestingly because. Mothers if they are. You know fitting that bill are gonna use perhaps a little too much shame expect this to kind of drag they wanna hear how you would feel what you would do instead. And you get back comic strip character going connected to just banging at the it and the other as a balance and somewhere in between you know that teaches the class and -- ninety. It's interesting -- that you've got the point the girl if you. If you parent them differently. Yes yes and when it comes to discipline my daughter is she doesn't like corporal punishment she doesn't like me just banker. And so -- try -- to she's a she you'll get nervous and cry if -- raise my voice to a certain level town. She typically. Follows. If -- parts are not to do something she typically want to -- She's young -- -- -- tries to to test me is a father and but it doesn't require any physical. A punishment for her to do and -- in my son on the other hand is a little more audited. Heat for some reason I think he really. He wants to see physically. I don't know it's -- -- -- am not sure but he requires a little more physical corporal punishment to to make it. More real and in what he sees that I get to that point and he backs up but it's always always look for him after. To see if he -- and he just he knows he's doing wrong and and as soon as I'll spank him then it's hey let's play which tells me that he recognized that he did. And he appreciates the discipline and I gave him so it's a little bit different comes to discipline yet. Were your two sons different to discipline. -- and now on. They they're different people. You're clearly one. All this island is. Both are sport ever to be employed. One is more of this the pure. And -- be the older one. And my -- island is about how does could be in theaters so. With that I think homes you know different. Attitudes from apple -- so. Both of them need to be reasoned with just because there's intelligent. But. You know they're they're boys and I think I'm like -- at some point boys are always -- you could still kind of display on the same way. You know that's the other reason stole religion and runs. We like to be here exact. It's an interesting except for a bugler. Being here. I've learned that kids are our. A lot more involved an awful lot more things these days and they were here and we certainly it's and -- that's another reason that sometimes. I'm of the opinion which -- kind of let him just relax for a while because. Over schedule -- you know. Advance there's a lot of of books out now and re search. That basically what's happening is parents are spending more time with their children may now now I'm -- time not necessarily quality of time. Quantity of time nail in the year 2014. And they did. When mothers were generally not working in 1960. And the reason is because in 1960 we let. Our kids go to the neighborhood park and playground are played. Absolutely and they played with each other now we basically have the helicopter parent that has to attend and and I work with families. That children have three and four activities every night of the week. So they're going from one point to another to another and it and it the quality of parenting. Is in their other parent is doing is is they surely transport and yes he chauffeur. And to you don't have that family quality time so to slowed down. And play board games because something is as simple as that game of trouble that everybody use to play and loved will. That is that doesn't happen anymore and it's it's a shame because the children miss out on on that quality of relationship just having a a silly conversation. About anything. -- outlook and we that you know shut that door on the three or four things. I know I I would love to I would love to but what happens it's almost a competition. Among parents and that can become apparent social outlet. You know can piggyback on that. You know it's interesting you mention that because. With them with the inundation and access to information that our kids have right now sometimes I feel more compelled. To come over schedule because when I was acute and eighty's you know there was no Internet unit after school cartoons and music videos right on the horizon but. You don't have to monitor you kids activities as much as you do now and I find that. We make it a point to keep him actively involved one to build a social skills and -- make sure that they are not. Just this accessed information just kind of stays clean computer you know rattled if. It's a balance it's an absolute balance you don't want them. Along with too much free time exactly exactly depending on their agents and things -- when -- nine you know when I'm home alone and then when their fifteen or sixteen -- -- -- on the -- So so it's really is it's really about but it's absolutely a balancing act you want them involved in social activities with their peers. They learn teamwork they -- commitment all this good. Values that that you really they're -- get elsewhere but if there overbooked and -- on other lessons such as how to interact with their family family values. You know. I work with parents that have. Terrible decision say a a dance competition -- -- Little League travel team that requires. Pena practiced on a Friday. And it's Graham on its. 98 birthday. And that coach says if this child did not attend practice they can't get so. What would affect teaching what do you wanna teach your children you wanna teach them family values as well also it has to be a balance. Stay with just were talking about parenting from the father point of view by activists. I'm so loving talking to run. To two men who love being father's learning a lot from them and also our wonderful friends Jeremy Evans assistant director of the parenting center Children's Hospital. And Terry -- -- Licensed professional counselor who does all kinds of things and -- not a terrible. Back to our dads and I know this is delicate but it. You know not naming names when you look at other fathers who aren't doing a good job what you've seen. -- You know I see. Kind of mix priorities. I think a lot of a couple of days and most of the day to do know. The good news is that they are engaged but for the -- That I do know. Is a little bit of selfishness I think they they have this support network through. There. Either the wife wore the the mother of the child extended family with -- lean on aunts and grandmothers and that sort of thing. But they're not making a sacrifice that I think that we made in a lot of -- made. And I hope that at some point they can turn around to provide the necessary. On nurturing and support that they should but it's just mainly they're just O'Connor wrapped up in your own lives and -- -- -- -- dreams of whatever that is. And the kids become secondary and I think that's the biggest problem -- not many but there's a couple that that that you neglect the kids for the -- personal selfish reason. At such a shame because they're such a benefit the father. Involvement. That long term. These children and fathers are engaged in their children's lines that children. Have less involvement in the juvenile court system and there's actually this to me it's amazing that they -- not smoking which. It just. One of those that tidbit of an information. But on their last treatment. They have greater problem solving abilities they have greater frustrations. -- Because fathers tend to let children figure something -- on around -- mothers tend to assist and facilitate. The the dissolution. There's -- it's just incredible there's a better academic performance. Girls in particular perform better and when when their fathers are involved with of the fathers are good man and not -- -- switching back and is just one of those things and it's because of that value system that there. And that goodwill and net interest in the best interest of the of the child and and children people you know I think. Parents in and now our word but it just the general public may feel. That children don't know it father you know at at a very young age that's not true -- at six weeks old babies can tell. Their fathers and their mothers they know. That that's amazing genius is there anyone that thinks well it's not that important. Is said oh terribly wrong. -- yeah matter they're few barriers that we talk about. And to fathers doing you know the best job they can -- for filling. The father role and and that's certainly one of them is father's not necessarily understanding that their role changes with developmental age so. While your infant needs responsive care. Your toddler needs that sense autonomy and security. Your school aged child needs acceptance acceptance acceptance. Your teenager needs to know that you're gonna that they're gonna test doing you're still going to be there. And so fathers aren't being passed along the same kind of information and being expected to understand and getting communication from school and from friends mean how often do you guys that are around his -- and talk about the latest book you read on united child development or. Or it wouldn't know art yeah. I am a mom and my I had -- -- if I don't get the block can't read about this. That there is you know that nation really helps that you don't have to two especially kind to. -- it's on children. The divorce clients that the that -- disable my kids aren't interested in being with meaning. Testing -- passed that by accepting. Their feelings hurt it whatever getting pulling the closers and certainly one of the bearing years and it is getting that information. I guess you know especially when they're teenagers now. You get that point where he uses indicators especially boys and the one thing I always think back to you is I mean what was I doing when I was their age -- and that's a fortunate thing at this point when that I remember yeah when there's another sixteen and because he's young -- this. Point now where. I can remember being sixteen and fourteen and so you can remember the times -- -- -- -- pentagon and our room and just kind of get away from you know matters at this point. It's a way I see that in the boys. I guess I kind of think back that time and thank you know what's that mean it's not and that's just the ambient teenager. And nice Richard is whenever I do that it makes me grateful and scared. Skipping Matt Meyer fifteen to sixteen and eighteen sorry. I want you guys where do you get information if you think about it -- father -- or something your child just did do you do you Google do you call your dad like gritty get information about just. Kind of feel that my gut -- I'm really. I've never really look for information -- and being a certain time before the bomb you know. I was lucky to have a dad who. He really did lead by example. The one thing I do differently is my dad was. Very blue collar so he he was. Work work work work work and this was extra curricula he had coached. But he would attend you know sporting events and extracurricular activities and always wanted to be more hands on. But I don't I don't maybe an occasional blog may be but bump for the most part I think it's an eight I just kind of feel my way through. -- you know and that's it. Yeah we. Again we are young and when we had the most when he and so it was -- and we had you know. We -- we really know we're doing them and I don't think we do now. So. Doing it again you can. Exactly but yeah it's you know I think we just figured out as a goal and it supports war. When you have an into the ground and which on the spot though but when you when you see other guys -- say to yourself -- to them. You know not doing it right. You know it's also with the boring answer which is. You war from years so. Going to law school down here and that was where -- first met friends right and and soon. That that was my group of people all people who went to law school down here were from the reader writes you and I think win that with that columns you know and independence. Because we don't have been Motorola which is -- you know I I do have some friends who have been only that they can rely -- you could see a little bit of difference there and so I guess if there is. If there is a response in my answer it's. You know those people who don't have been in the around really kind of revolve around each other and it's almost a support system whereas if you've got some friends you have some family around. They were able to rely on them a little bit more in May be with that came a little bit more. Not having to be there all the time like read it and now that's an interesting to what has been the most fun. Just you know. Its interest in you know I I thought -- for the kids last night in and what the -- into would be for portable blood. To watch him grow up and into their own thing either. I own my brother and I were almost exactly like there wasn't a whole lot of difference and to see people from my kids. Growing up -- completely different rounds -- mean they're great friends and and you know of course -- fights like like poised to. But to see one of my kids be the artistic -- who just. Baffles me how he does some of the stuff as an eighth grader and then the other to be you know what's more is using go down that track. And apps excited every day to watch what they're gonna do it and watch them grow -- -- Yes same thing the growth it's kind of like a movie you know. Part one part two part three and you just come and -- know what the next chapters can be but I have to agree it's just a growth you know look at. To look at markets now NC mosques on -- and physically below you know. You know he he's turning into like a husky little boy and he's developing these social networks in my -- eight. And just to see their growth I mean do it's it's amazing to see. Even the vocabulary my daughter quick story we were in love Sams and we were in -- one day and the blueberries which is way too high and I just knock on the page in China for -- it but it was it was like February and and she -- -- by the -- bears in the civil dog bit him not bond holders because the two sides he said why this high and explained because it's wintertime. And did not produce and as much so we real in early on and I don't know there you go right there isn't she said. This is a plug for comical to -- She said. Also you mean like supply and demand. And when she said that I looked down at an -- what did you learn and she's in Lebanon and so -- and that when she mentioned it to me like you said earlier. My kids how kids are gonna be so much smarter than we mean they're reading early everything which goes early childhood pre K. On just like to reform and social and emotional bonds with parents this is so malleable that their minds of Foreman an early -- as well. And it's really enjoyable to see the way that the grown physically and mentally. And you swing emotionally as wells it was just just just. Now it's there yeah. She understood by you were getting the Harry I understood that and she can't I can't Reggie understood that. That this will be right now. Yeah she's got a great story. We're talking with. Just two wonderful father's I really mean that Dana Henry and John Richard -- I applaud you because you're into it in your -- a great representation of fathers and it's not that it's all perfect and that life is great that year your. Your loving what you're doing and it comes out we were talking in the commercial about extreme fathers and just sort of your thoughts on that. It didn't use that example -- what we were talking about you know. It fathering is not a part of it to me you know I think we can all agree is not supposed to be a job I mean it's supposed to be fun it's tough in his is probably one of the scariest things that. That I haven't done because you just don't know if everything you do is going to be enough because we've heard tragedies but. There are examples of extreme fatherhood. -- -- it was a a college quarterback I think he's not California is dead in his documentary on ESPN. His dad kind of made him to a super athlete and he cracked under the pressure. He realized most of his goals but down in the process he doesn't seem like his dead enjoyed. Turning his son into a super athlete more than -- job. And that's one of the things that I think we can agree on is that. I enjoy being dead it's won it in times it's actually relax and because. After a tough day at work dealing with grownups you know one of the things -- tell people sometimes I just wanna hang around like poppies in -- -- you know -- grown ups you know. We stress each other -- some time and it it really is refreshing to get around you kids CNBC and you'd be silly with them. You know I fell asleep and mania many animated movie it was and -- glasses -- so I did get a little rest at the same time but -- it is fun is not supposed to be. Stressful and distrust toward job them -- probably need to reconsider your approach. Yeah and that may be your video -- a good wrap up on what I was saying earlier to. Maybe that's kind of in the back in my mind when I'm trying to think you know -- let's lay off the kids a little bit let him kind of relax a little bit because. You can't get to extreme whether it's in sports. Like marina which is you know dad apparently did. Or even in education you know and I've known play any of fathers you. Man you know -- with their kids come home with a 95 you know I had. -- -- -- -- and I played Carrie and I have learned through reading all of there research and the information about fathering and how much. Better it's getting and how much more we know about it. And is exactly that -- The benefit to your children of being an involved and informed father. Is the relationship. And it's not the bean counting and then scorers and meeting your expectation. It's the relationship won -- one of best feel good stories you know you talk about just relationship and spending time with your children. Is on this father mr. much you know an army fatigues. And he is playing with his four year old daughter an airplane princess -- And she is putting on that pretend lipstick on her father and he's wearing that -- Aaron not easily because he had no hair -- And and they earrings and he is in absolute. Have been and you can see it on his face and you can see it on the daughter's face. And that's the quality of time and that the relationship. You know that's going to be I spent time with my game that's what she's gonna remember. You all are the best you guys and you women I cannot thank you enough -- -- thanks very soon and I are really learn something every day but I'm. I'm uplifted. Truly live by your stories thank you were also very thank -- -- ratings -- any -- statement -- -- right back. Just want to thank Dana Henri Richard Cain just too great. Fathers who obviously are loving what they're doing and I assured -- father who's sitting out pitching but they're not telling the rough times. Of course -- rough times but they're they're just great examples of which fathers can be. And I also always wanna thank Terry contestant and Jenny Evans two dynamos who worked with parents all the time and help a lot of people. In the help us. And I hope you'll state with this for the next hour because we're going to be having -- -- James Beard award winners. We are so proud of them can't wait to talk to them. Stay with this we'll be right back.