WWL>Topics>>6-4-14 3:10pm Angela: on raising tweens

6-4-14 3:10pm Angela: on raising tweens

Jun 4, 2014|

Angela talks about raising "tweens" with Barbara LeBlanc and Courtney Costello of the Children's Hospital Parenting Center and local father of tweens Richard King.

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Automatically Generated Transcript (may not be 100% accurate)

-- Blessings and often enjoy. That there are moments that can drive the most loving parents the -- Among those moments is the time when there are growth spurts. Hormone surges and continued brain development. We're talking betweens. How best apparent during this time. Here to help us answer the question how to raise a middle school child. Our Barbara LeBlanc director of the parenting center Children's Hospital. Courtney Costello. Licensed social worker a counselor at Isidore Newman School and teacher of the growing up for girls class at the parenting -- And Richard -- father of two boys aged fourteen to six. What did you -- here I probably do it appeared -- shows because. I know it rings bills with our listeners and -- invite the listeners from this moment on 260170. Questions and all of these people there in the trenches. And they know exactly they know the answers. At that can help you find it's it's right for your. Will on -- to start with Richard Richard who's. As a return visitor which would love takes a brave man effective -- to give you know but it. Your your boys -- 1460. Correct. You you've survived. The 9101112. -- Clinton -- -- to when I was gonna say is exactly that used to -- managers. Did you did you have. And anticipation of the difficult it was at worst news on better than you thought you know there was anticipation because remember when I was educated. I can remember middle school being released the most typical of a really grown up you know high schools and community college was obviously easy in even elementary school was easy. But -- -- middle school years as being the ones that were the most difficult so as they got closer and closer to those ages. You know I knew it was coming it was coming up he still has a smile on the race. What was the most surprising thing to. The the most surprising was in a note this one thing -- talk about was really -- the technologies that deal with now for middle school because I think with. Six grade maybe even this you know fifth grade columns. The cellphones. And Smartphones in in FaceBook in. All of those different things -- its program. And he gives offices as parents hold different perspective -- how we're really going to be able to not only monitor our children but also. You know bring them correctly so that there have been doing the same things that. May have been a little bit easier for workers to do by just saying picture. -- hand look in the face things like that. But now you've you've got to worry about this technology aspect. Where you know you're not going to be in control those kids you know all the time anymore in and the departure couple keys and it's worries. Different influences. Clearly much different influences so I'm going to ask our parenting center wonderful people barber and Courtney. What is going on at this time what's going on in their brain. There's a lot on line -- And their huge changes we used to think the biggest time of brain met with birth to three. And now we know that the early adolescent years into adolescence it it equals that -- the cause right before puberty. There's a huge growth of gray matter and then they spend puberty. On the brain prions from back to front so they're getting rid of whatever connections are used so there's a big flurry of growth. And -- puberty hits. The preening starts and the last area to be on finalized star. Fixed and it's adults state is the pre frontal cortex which is your decision making -- right. So throughout adolescents kids are making decisions with the emotions center of their brains so win it seems like they're not making good choices. And there having over reacting to things they really are because they. The part of the brain that helps you think that consequences. That helps you your executive function. Isn't fully functioning yet. And that happens in the early twenty's. So we know that this big growth and Joseph -- arts. And it's not only that the brain growth that is the physical development their body changes so dramatically in the years and they don't know what's coming. And -- the surge of hormones it justice -- very unsettled time for. It's and you're shaking your head I can see you saying I've. Talk some of these kids -- sir tops of these kids and and this is what I try and prepare. Parents for as that we transition and to middle school and high school and also in the growing up for girls class we talk about the fact that. Puberty is one thing puberty is is just the changes that happened. But the body adolescence as a whole other ballgame and that's that that's that that brain development that happens then in the latter parts. Of of childhood and it ten to 25 this is a long period of time that -- really put everything. Interaction and that in but during that time. Kids are getting keys can to getting phone -- are getting all those saying this but they're not the brain isn't isn't on yet so it's it's a tough time so it may be in there are some cases where I'm projecting this but. You see your child doing something disturbing and you think you know I -- you better than I mean you're smarter than that in what -- saying is the brain is someplace else. So -- they're able to think about consequences. Parents still have to provide like those external limits and consequences and boundaries. And help -- think about well what do you think it's gonna happen you do a lot of talking problems sobbing. And the best approach is that you listen morning top. But has proposed something and then listen and as you -- you help them shape and think about what could happen -- line. Our kids don't learn as well from our own experiences. Says sometimes parents tend to lecture. And that it's not always the best way to help kids really take responsibility and learn about the consequences for their behavior -- -- Your your -- stock has to change a little bit him as your kids become their thinking changes and they are arguing the war are in their challenging. And those are all part of that. Brain development and being able to until learned that. I have some control of my life so parents have to pull back relinquish a bit of controlled its gradual. And measure doing it here helping them. Take on more responsibility. In. I think that's the whole thing -- parents are there to finally. Let them out of the -- and that's the whole goal is to raise them so they're Smart and safe and thinking but the letting go is where I've really seen the greatest. Difficulty with parents say are just want to protect protect protect well it makes me think about how. And and I we've heard it over and over again about a parent who has a child is done something incredibly ridiculous and we say what you thinking and they say I don't know. And you're like you're seventeen years old you really don't now that they probably don't I don't know and I just over the last in the last 24 hours or so I've been talking to a colleague Michael Simon. And he was talking about its failure analysis and how as parents we need to help our kids to engage in some failure analysis you've failed. You made a bad choice you don't know why. Let's go back to the beginning and talk through what it was and how we got to this point so next time I ask you what you're thinking. Maybe you've got something bigger and tell me. And it and I don't now. But I think that that's an important skill for parents to realize they have to help decades to engage and is that process of walking through weird this go wrong -- What with it. But what precipitated. -- not just screaming count how could you've done and punish -- think it. I think it through and they and understanding test it's not all that together yet. And three doing these intentional process is. We're helping to build those those connections. So we can put it place and so he's not parenting was going to be easy. Not so so let's stay with us we're talking about raising that middle school child much more I'm Angela under the -- Wonderful people from the parenting center. Terrific counselor for Isidore Newman. Anderson protect at oracle yes you were talking about raising twain's. I'm so delighted that Chris from and -- is calling you -- the father of betweens. -- more than one -- Well actually it no longer cleansing. Their only twenty OK and you survived and they did -- civilized. And I want to confirm what they've priority. About listening I think the problem. Is that we raised sixty. And I can't imagine. It down. Asking questions in this league is back in congress so. And we can't let these music cause that consequence. I was pretty much to do. And then. To raise children are trying to use in -- that but it until Chris OK so cities and when trial ago. There traveled across the so the listening part is hard to do because first it doesn't seem natural. That -- -- We want the try to be -- relevant and teller children and one guy that instead we should be so all that is is question. -- like these it is located in what do you think it's okay to be that it won't -- since it's become really. Felicia -- The -- to let them he threw it out who is there. It is that -- their -- string. And she did on it to me for years. -- lot of counseling. And going to all the different. Programs. Before. That's right. Well good for you that you committed that much. -- Politics is saying well I mean there's a lot of other. Golden child. That mode which is what it's. And taught how to do it correctly to the world so changed and so complex and there are consequences to -- -- And we're -- week. Know that -- exactly right and I think that is one of the scary things for parents today is that there is produced dispassionate. You're serious consequences and so you do you wanna keep your kids say. But in Florida one of one of our favorite website is top common -- media. And day state that it's hard to India gate keeper and a world where their no fences. And -- with the kids are exposed to is the wider world and you're trying -- parents. To keep them focused on cast getting where they need to be an obvious distractions. As well is to just teach some bad knees have -- how to be content to other people we taught them. To playing nicely respect people take turns and the and we handed them this. On self nine in ten years gives them anonymity and access to anything and everything. It's I can imagine documentation. If we have shelves well. And in much folic ignorance -- -- -- -- well below what do cops to fit the bill would it not only hit me because the cellphone business. And doing that today shows because they have to do this negotiating. With a child and so we think. They shouldn't even. -- that yet we have to trigger other do. And that text in the way they socialize. There's just so that's what we have to listen well. Because then when we consider them with a question they realize how ridiculous it is like this economy. Bring out some wonderful thoughts and you're terrific to have called them and and again. Congratulations on your survival and it. That's did and I don't have to visit them at a police. Department. But the -- it's a little things in life. And those of the victories. They are thinking thank you so much Chris anybody else wants to -- 2601 point seven million shares some of them. Thought you have on the subject we'd love to hear from me. Again we're talking about. If he's talking correctly times have changed times have changed and we have to accept that they change. What worked 3040 years ago is working today. But what does work. What does work. We wanna think about what do we know what the world's going to be like in twenty years now but we don't it's changing so dramatically so how to we best prepare children. To be ready for the act. And one of the way is is imparting values helping them be good decision makers helping them work with others. Let them be the model for kindness in this world and dynamic -- And I think that Courtney had a appointment we -- off the air out outlet to you know you can teach them -- the digital citizenship. But this is trying to think which point I made a so many wonderful once we were talking about how. As school and and when were in a large group of kids. We can talk about digital citizenship common -- media and really does a beautiful job now about -- and a great curriculum for. And while the kids that they aren't looking at each other face to face and looking and and adults and their teachers face to face. They absolutely understand the values or in place. Of course I wouldn't ever attack something like that of course I would never put something yeah there absolutely understand. And yet when you send that child Helmand and here she is. Alone in in in her rim and it's and it's not others around and those emotions. Maybe there's an argument happened at the end of the day and the emotions are raw. Those -- and use because of that underdeveloped brain and that those poor decision making skills. Allows the child -- to do something we I was out of character you know when the next and when you see the text and you say well. And this is so unlike Q. Absolutely that's so unlike me I was alone I was anonymous I was upset. And what I would have thought to myself for May be written in a journal twenty years ago. Now I -- that detects and sent it to me. In the after that do they understand that they hurt people absolutely with aids you know we we come back into this into this group and into this community. And and they come. Back to their senses and way you know we we get that child's -- they're actually on their way to being. And we have these lapses. And and that's -- -- negotiating. It. This points also supports the fact that having technology that lets you monitor is one thing but nothing substitutes. For that parental. Supervision. Being close by holding kids accountable having conversations about that because it's the relationship part of it. That helps them understand. Their responsibility to others. Yeah very very important yes I think that kind of goes taxes when I was here last we're talking about now -- days kids -- -- schedule to. And there's there's a good part -- that because you don't have those kids that are sitting around in their rooms for -- too long. Afterschool instead. You know having them involved in sports or have them involved you know taken an instrument lessons whatever happens today. But the more that we can actually keep them. In the old school you know things that we did when we were kids. The more that they are actually occupied and and don't have that time where their -- range is wrong. We're talking about raising. -- end I want Beatrice to stay on the line will be right back. So happy to have Barbara LeBlanc director of the parenting center at Children's Hospital. Courtney Costello licensed social worker and counselor Isidore Newman School and teacher of that growing up for girls class were gonna get to that. And Richard Cain. Again a wonderful father to two boys. And we're talking about raising. That difficult age that's an important but difficult changed between -- really go to war caller Beatrice. We're good how review. Thank you don't want it to. Really enjoy so much Eric should an indoor -- Are -- But real quickly. Single parent and now I'm on my grandchildren. And -- worked opal JoAnn. Arbor and the Rancho. Much prayer not only well. Compensation. Being an -- Option. Education being one -- should. -- -- it. But. Don't -- I don't see where. You know court and make it probably is a response if any if they're going to come. Home. A column home it. They don't occurred while how older than. There. They have -- twelve when will be thirteen. On. Do they put pressure on -- to everybody else says a cell phone why can't we. -- And we understand that when it went there a cell phone available for the I -- say they are going a rare where I think callable. And they can take my belt. And I even an extra hole. Is it going where we separate it and they can help -- To contact me and I'm she is never really. I only few Beatrice then. And they are very lucky to have you they are. But you probably are the exception to the rule more and more kids as young as 910 and are having cellphones today and it does become a point of discussion argument in many times. And I don't think it's. Many parents. Can really stand up to that pressure the way you have then I applaud you I don't think it's necessarily. But it does seem to be the trend. Well I think it would pitchers resolves a thing when she deems it necessary they've got one. But many of collectively as a society would set of course every nine year old named mark need to. Well I'm not true and note that I'm 1112. In Portugal don't need help. They -- an income between walking in the the difference between walking. When they need 100. -- or when they need want it prevail. They walk a lot different topic began back. I'll. Get it you know I -- -- parent. And -- all -- might -- and great grandchildren. Accountability. For every action. Action. You know you don't something and it is going to be -- reaction. -- -- -- My question is how -- we clone Beatrice and -- Just think am I talking points and I outline for when I talk to schools and parents about raising kids that's definitely. No you are great pictures you really aren't and we appreciate the call and and -- real person who's doing it you know which is terrific. Like and again they are very lucky to have you. Thank you so much Beatrice. We were gonna talk before we go to break we gotta talk hormones because this is also at a time when that you do some of the body changes and stuff. That is a big deal it's a big deal it's a big deal. Yet you know. When I teach the growing up for girls class it's geared to ages nine to twelve and so often I'll have very young looking girls in there and their mothers will come to me at the break. And say you know we have -- really started to see any of these physical changes. What's going on within swings and they say is that Hoss can start. And yes it can't you know that is the body readies itself to. To start to go to puberty and starts releasing more of these hormones and make it just that sorts it sort of builds. And what I top to the girls about in class is that it's. Is each day they come with with -- -- or. As a person we use -- what I say as we call her mom but it could be a step mom could be his sister can be a grandmother it's whoever that special trusted arsonist. And -- typically it's a woman and so they'll come with another woman to class. And what I say to them is this suspect. -- our mom and to use that term loosely knows when she sees you crying. Or her making port Torre's choices or just acting differently she knows that this is a hormonal thing she knows the debt there's something going on it that's hard for you understands. But she. An end and she might still have some of those things happen for her regularly all the time but she's had years to practice. And to recognize what it feels like and what to do and went to give in to those feelings and went to just say. That's that's not really me. And she knows how to do that and I -- -- should I tell them to show recognizing you and you'll feel like you you want some help. And still feel like she wants to help you. And yet neither one of you'll know how to connect on that and so that is that is the difficulty. What happens and we talk about. At the beginning in class how it is how important it is for them when there's have been an eight and nine and as that time is coming. To start sharing those stories so often we don't talk to our kids about. Our our own mistakes our own journey when we were at their range and there's a real disconnect between. What it was like for me when I was your -- or I had. I had a friend who told the boy that I had a crush on him it broke my heart I spent the rest of the day crying in the bathroom that's a real story. That I may not share with my child and it might be meaningful to them so. We really encourage them start talking now form the relationship you'll have. You'll be more likely to make a match to win both of you are trying to figure out how to. Sort through these difficult emotions. If you already have a prior. Relationship with one another a outs and the fact that betweens are tough and it's a tough time and managing in negotiating the stuff the stuff. Beautiful. Moment to take a break but stay with this we're not done I'm Angela under the W well over talking about choosing how to race twain's and very interesting about. All the things that girls connectors -- -- to go to our dad Richard Kahne who has two boys and they're wonderful boys and now. But did you have to sit down and have that talk with them about your body. You Diane yeah that. We talked about this a little bit in the break you know I think there's been more -- comes about that one conversation and anything else in the world because in his book yeah. Pretty funny especially when it's -- fathers and sons. And a lot of times the father's not there for -- conversation because the White House or you know mother whom ever. And you know yeah we had a conversation that didn't last long. As would be expected but it if we hit what's important what's gone. You know -- wanna be there I didn't wanna be there but it had to be done now. And it's it's a rite of passage because it's probably the same way that you know my dad did to me and his father -- it's ham and and I think you know truthfully most probably fill in the blanks with a lot of -- we skip over because. I don't know it's just the mail make up or what happens to be bullet. It is I think it's a way that goes in more probably fame is that but now you're one of your voice is stating yes and so do you recap. Who the conversation and beautifully and yet it's you know and that's where we can move out of that that's going into the real the teenagers and scenario and in everything that we talked about today really. Really comes into play and I think most importantly. Is really up more than anything else you know we we can talk about cell phones to talk about oh. You know all the things that they have now source technology news but I think it still goes back to you old school eighties and -- -- -- -- -- NC kids. -- from day one but especially when they're in the two means and going into their teens because. You know that's that's -- what's conceive in that they're gonna have to think back before they make those decisions even if some of -- bad. You would hope that you know at least yeah it's -- important decisions and and yet he you know that of course comes in the play in and although it was the funny scenario when there betweens it becomes a serious and when they're when they're teenagers early Dallas. And so you need to you you know you need to make sure that. And it didn't they know what could happen and and the bad things. And how would go back to one of the things that Beatrice mentioned about relationships and just how that supported by some of the research Columbia University has a senator for. Addictions and substance abuse. And they have done an enormous about it amount of research looking at the kinds of things that help kids grow up. And oh boy eight addiction. And the main thing is that families eat dinner together at least five times a week. That children have a later first sexual experience. And are less likely used on drugs alcohol or -- And so we don't know why. It's one of those co occurring things we can speculate on all the things that are going on during a family dinner and a family conversation but it's probably as much reflects. The kinds of relationships that -- family. And on the accountability. Of being someplace at a certain time knowing and being able to count on your part of something. And it helps. It helps kids grow up and helps kick some keepers and -- a very difficult thing to accomplish today it's. Scattered schedules and -- world but when you think of it. It doesn't take extra money it doesn't it's just eating now has less of an effect in meeting in the house while it doesn't work if you -- -- five times a week. That should be. The goal five -- a link and a. -- -- -- the -- you know for a while tiller when he gets home took you know you don't have to eat at 5 o'clock six clock that's very. You know if it's at 730 when -- responded there that's which -- due to via. And then do you do you try to. How do you try to get to kids to talk. I don't want to think about you know how was your day -- right -- -- expand rent one of things we do is nobody can you know. Bring their cell -- to dinner so that's a big you know we keep going back to split. You know I think it's at some -- we're just gonna pick it up -- start wherever it is so they have to be you know in the kitchen and and I think with that columns you know no TV you know we've got a little room that we usually -- and in your normal stock with each -- So it works. If parents share a little bit about their day it often starts the conversation going takes the pressure off the kits. So that that starts it -- that they can count on their gonna be some conversation they're they're going to be apart that it's not stuck totally focused on Dan yeah and getting them to report. That it's again and take of what's going on in the same. We do something we at least our boys are young they're three and five and so to encourage this idea of sharing bag better better than I was today and I said. We give the kids beats so if they expands for every time they expands on a statement and tell us more they get a bead and they filled their cup and then make it up a prize. Screwing something but we're trying to teach it by. Giving this external thing at this young -- Well let me -- -- what all of you have done I think is given all of our listeners myself included great hope. That is it is a different time there many many pressures but it can be done. And very very thoughtful for what all you have to. And don't forget we have that great parenting center and they're always there to help thank you each and every one of you stay with -- everyone will be right back. So appreciative if you while joining us all day hope you enjoyed the shows and I hope you join us tomorrow we're actually gonna get mayor -- Landers sell the seat of it.